When will it hit home

Fear. Not being able to understand. Death.

I cannot handle Taylor being gone right now. I am going to the cottage this weekend. When I get back, I am going to his grave. This means its time for me to say good bye. I said I would do it. I have to. The dreams dont stop. I cannot sleep because of teh fear of seeing him in my dreams.

I wrote down... what I am going to say ... what I have to say....

here it is

Taylor, sweetheart, you were a time in my life where I can truely say taht I was happy. The times we spent together. All the advice you gave me. The life you have given me. I mean i grew up with you. I look back every night to the days where we would meet half way from our houses on our bikes. The nights we had sleepovers.... my best friend. I find myself lying in bed thinking about you, every night I think of you. I cry for you. I cry for the hurt you endured.. the unfair things in life. I cry because I know how you felt. It hurts... bad.. I would rather endure any physical pain, then the pain felt from a heart...
As my life moves on. I find myself stuck in the past. thinking of you. I find it hurtful taht you didnt know how much we loved you. I am hurt that you would leave me here alone. to endure what you have, alone. I talk to you everynight... I ask the same questions... why...? why would you tell me life is precious and then kill yourself? Why would you tell me you would be ok,, if you knew I would feel hurt by you saying that? WHy are you not here helping me...? or letting me help you?
You know I hate myself.. I do the Waht ifs everyday.. What if I told you I loved you more.... what if I saw you the day you died... what if you could be happy with me? ... My heart has endured quite a bit.... and you have hurt me soo bad ... I cry... I cry FOR YOU DAMMIT..... and you felt there was no reason to live? WTF, like why shoud I cry for you? if it doesnt matter anyway/?.. I need you... I need you soo bad... You know I said I would never forgive you.... I hope you understand that... but I guess i am afraid to forgive you Taylor. Because I am afraid if I forgive you... that Ill let go.. and that the memories will fade,,,, i dont wnat you to fade,,,, I have to forgive you though.... so that you can be at peace.. I am bringing you a friendship necklace... you knwo.. like the ones we used to have when we were little... one half of a heart on two necklaces... I am giving you one... and I am going to wear one... so that half of my heart can be with you always.... so that if a day goes by that I dont think of you.... you will have half of my heart to cherish. It is very hard for me to be here... to sit at your grave and soak in what has happpened. but... I will be here.. I will come at christmas... on your b-day.... and on july 31st of every year..... because you deserve that.... for all the love you have shown me... I will give back to this world.... I am going to see amanda and kyles grave today too..... I was afraid to go there too.... but they deserve to hear me again...
I hope they are with you... I hope they guide you.... three of my best friends..... together again... I love you sweetheart... I will never foregt you.... I promise you.. I will never forget your smile...your laugh.... your gift to my heart...
Good bye