Well, life sucks

life sucks and we all know it.... I am drinking right now... so bare with my language skills...

I am beyond overwhelmd right now... ups and downs... ups and downs.... major ups and majr downs.... being pushed, pulled and broken down.... not sure what I am doing or if I am doing it right....

But myself in places that no one wants to be.... being MY fault and only MY fault.... I dont put any blame on anyone...
Decisions kill me... trying to figure out sooo much this year... one being if I am good enough... I try soo hard to make ppl happy...and I truely finding it soo hard

Life really really sucks rightnow..... soo much shit is going on.. I dont even have teh energy to write about it anymore

Krysta

I expect more

I expect more of you, you are my friend. To judge me is your job. If I am becoming something I am not, it is your job to show me who I once was. It is my job to show you that you are special. It is my job to let you know what I know. What I think is wrong and right. If i know you are being hurt, you just don;t know it, I will tell you. If you are being treated unfairly it is my job to tell you, let you persue it, and if taht doesnt work, i will stick up for you. It is my job to share my heart with you, as i need someone to share my heart when I have left this place.

If you are in Love with me. It is your job to let me know when you look into my eyes and see hope. It is your job to carry my burdens when you have a free shoulder. If I am in Love with you, I will look into your eyes and you will see beauty within my eyes. If I am in Love with you... you will never feel like you have no one.. because I will show you the best things about yourslef... I will carry any burdens... i will... I WILL show you what love is..

Taylor's sign?

Since Taylor died, I have been waiting. I have been waiting for him to let me know he is ok. I dont know if many would comsider this a sign, but I take as Taylor telling me to be content... to feel better.

When I went to see Keith Urban, a song came on. It was called Tonight I wanna Cry. I dont know why but after that song came on, everyone at the concert went quiet. I had chills up and down my spine.. and I have never felt that way.. not ever before. I thought about Taylor.. a tear flowed down my one cheek. I came home that night and wrote on Taylor's Memorial site about how i thought of him.

Now the weird part. Taylor's friend Michelle. SHe had asked a bunch of people for my email address. She finally found it and wrote me an email saying she had a sign for me. She said that she had gone to the Keith Urban Concert and that song came on and she felt Taylor at the concert. She said that when she went to open my message on Taylors site, that the song came on her computer. The thing is.. she didnt even know she had taht song on her computer. It came on and my message popped up and it was about the song that was playing at that second. She said she thought that she needed to tell me somethings.. to let me know Taylor was ok.. and that I was not the only one who felt it.

Sometimes I believe in these things. Sometimes I dont. As for this time.. I think I know that this was a sign from Taylor.. He finally saw what I needed...

I love you Taylor... I love you so very much..

Well... I better be off to bed.. night night

Letting your true self show is the ONLY way

When I see my life as a whole. I seem to get overwhelmed and just don't understand what I am doing wrong. This is why I am always so upset, because I dont understand the concept of being "together" and being allowed to grow. I am only 20 this year, and I have a great deal to do and live. I have endured a lot in my life. I have lost many whom I love and cherish.Trying to let go of teh faces that helped me through and befriended me, is extremely hard. Having friends who can be there for me is great. I am so extremely blessed to have great friends who love and treat me with respect. I know that in my life I have many who love me, I just need to open my eyes sometimes. This world is very scary and I just want to live every moment to its best. I want to love people and never let go, I want to sit and actually enjoy a crisp day, a beautiful sunset, a morning rainfall. The things in life that are important are what I take forgranted. If i dwell on friends that have passed, how am I suppose to show my friends who are here and love me, that I indead do love them as well. My family is beautiful, and they deserve a sister and daughter who will be happy and who will love them as much as they love me.

It was not until this past friday that I had let my parents know that I am not doing well. I wrote my mom an email and told her that I have a lot of anxiety. I came home for the weekend and we are discussing what I do need in my life right now. I cannot go on being unhappy. I cannot go on living in the past and from thsi point on, I will be on my way to a better place.

A friend told me yesterday taht I am making myself weak by telling people my faults and letting my feelings finally show. I responded by telling him that if I dont show these weaknesses, that I will forever long a life that I dont have. In order for me to become strong, I need to bare my life to the world and let it be known that my heart aches, that I am not ok. If I were to keep my life a secret any longer I would be unhappy, and I KNOW that I would end up like Taylor. I KNOW that Taylor wants me to be happy, I know he is upset watching me. A friend told me last week that Taylor did not kill himself to see you unhappy, this should be a lesson. He did the wrong thing, he let his life eat him away. And if Taylor did anything by dying, he has shown me that if you keep everything in your heart, your heart will grow to big, and your sorrow even bigger, the end result being death.The end result s hurting everyone around you. Taylor I love you. But I need to move on. I know that I need to move on. I need to love and take love, to grow and to understand.It is time for me to grow as me, into a woman, so that I may give others strength in their lives. I knwo what my place is, I just need to prosper in this life.

Love is such a strong word, people say. Yet I can tell everyone in this world that my heart longs for a greatness that cannot be described. I do LOVE beyond all belief, some people just cannot concieve this. I think my advice to any one person is..... Love like you have never loved before. The people around you deserve to be loved, their lives deserve to be filled with this beautiful peace. I can decribe my love, as anything... as a moment in a childs face, a sunset, a bird lifting off, as a person's smile or eyes. Every moment should be filled with love. EVerything we do, should be done with passion, with love. This is the only way we can live our lives to the fullest. This is the only way that our world can prosper TOGETHER. This is the only way we can die knowing we have given all that we can, that we have lived every moment through.

they say that a picture can say a thousand things.... well instead of taking a picture, use every moment at its best.. so that we may say a thousand words about each moment.

feel warmth, touch,smell, see, feel, hear everything.... maybe we can learn something from the earth and people around us... as we all need to learn a thing or two about the world and people around us... you never know what will happen next..

I love you all...
Krysta

Keith Urban will never be forgotten

Tonight I went and saw Keith Urban live in concert. He was absolutely amazing... I have no complaints... Im glad I took Ty with me... He loved it...

I have a lot to write .. I was thinking about a lot of stuff today... and I know what I have to do ... but I have to do it before I write it... so that I can tell you that I have FOR SURE done it...

Krysta

To anonymous comment RE:desperatly trying to find a place

Soo I know this is one of my friends... as they know Taylor as well.. I just wanted to let you know something.... that I am working on..

Lately I realise that my heart... my life.. and my thoughts are very different from many that I know... I think I have more soul tehn a lot of people out there... and you know what... I am starting to realise that I am special because of that... Its just HARD to get by this blah stage... sometimes I feel like I need help... sometimes... I dont trust myself... as I feel absolutely low...
This is not only scary for my friends and family .. but scary for me aswell.. as I dont WANT to believe that I am nothing... its those down days where I feel like I cannot do anything.. and it is a feeeling taht I cannot explain... where I am scared of the thoughts that go through my head.... sometimes I feel like im crazy.. but tehn I realise that every person is... every person has some sort of problem... and I need to get by it... Sometimes.. I feel as though I have been dealt too much... I know that is very selfish to say... but I mean... what can i say.. i have lost sooooooo many ppl in my life... and above all Taylor the one who taught me what I am suppose to enjoy in life.... You dont understand though... you think that i am TOO negative about Taylor... but at the same time... I am not.. I just dont write the positives... Sonce taylor died... I have opened myself upSOOOOOOOO much.. since Taylor died... I have given a few GOOD friends this blogspot address... soo that you DOO know my life.. as I have lost touch with my TRUE friends... It is really embarrassing to give my mind out to ppl... but it helps.. knowing that my friends UNDERSTAND ME... I have opened myself up to cultures and learning about cultures.. trying different foods... different music... I have been more open for GIVING my heart to someone... as I had lost that over the last few years.... I have realised that i cannnnnnot keep my feelings balled up as I DONT want to end up like taylor...


Taylor was such a beautiful person.... his heart was pure..... and what you need to understand,,, is I knew him from teh time I was FOUR... and letting goo... of a life.. that I thought i knew is just beyond hard... growing up thinking life is beautiful and that everything WILL TURN OUT... and then a friend... kills himself... makes you second guess what is offered in this world... I still cannot visit his grave... i cannot let go... and i ammm TRYING SOOOO hard... I mean I look for signs that taylor is here... with me.. and he is not giving me that... ..

I am gaining respect for myself.. as I know my life is worth it to people... and I know I mean something... and I know.. I was put here on this earth to give my heart... as I am sure it is big enough to share... that is what I am realising.... that is what makes me different from everyone else.... I was put here... to give insight... love... and a view on life that most NEED to understand.... k.. i need to stop writing.. Ill write more in a bit

Tears and Rain

If you get a chance you shoudl download James Blunt - Tears and Rain..

I dont know why this song hits me... but I thinks its pretty ... the artist has a very destinct voice... its very different

James Blunt - Tears And Rain Lyrics

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain

------------------___________________________-------------------------_______________________

desperatly trying to find a place

well, its another night.... where I feel as though I could cry through the pain I am feeling. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really dont think I have a place in this world. I try and try and try to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. I try and forgive myself for letting Taylor die. I try to let myself know that things will be ok... but they wont. more and more.. I realise that maybe an easy life wasnt made for me. that maybe its time to give up... on myself...
What is actually scary... is that more and more, I find I am becoming numb to the sadness I have in this world. I am sad. I am not ok. I am not cut out for a life that feeds me the horrible truth of humanity. To cry every night IS NOT ok. I just want everyone to be happy.. let them know I love them. i just want to be the one that gives them happiness. That iis all that I ask of this world... of this hopeless life.... is to give something to someone... give hope... happiness or something that is worth telling myself I am needed....

What do I tell myself?

one of those day

its one of those days...

where you feel like you are shot down by all of your friends...
one of those days where my heart is racing too fast...
im confused as to what I am doing...
why I am soo upset...

I guess im confused in general..

about what? i donno
a million things are rushing at me..

do i talk to someone about them... no i do nothing

wondering what ill do tomorrow...
wondering why I cannot understand simple things..
why I have mood swings..
why I cant breathe...
why I cant manage anything...
everything is soo hard... to manage...
everything is fast

yet I am doing nothing at this particular moment.


why I feel alone... why do I make myself alone..

why do I push away..

why is everything managed by money.. by power
why isnt anything going to be how they should be.

why is it I cant think or talk anymore withoout ppl hating me

that is what I am hated