Well, life sucks

life sucks and we all know it.... I am drinking right now... so bare with my language skills...

I am beyond overwhelmd right now... ups and downs... ups and downs.... major ups and majr downs.... being pushed, pulled and broken down.... not sure what I am doing or if I am doing it right....

But myself in places that no one wants to be.... being MY fault and only MY fault.... I dont put any blame on anyone...
Decisions kill me... trying to figure out sooo much this year... one being if I am good enough... I try soo hard to make ppl happy...and I truely finding it soo hard

Life really really sucks rightnow..... soo much shit is going on.. I dont even have teh energy to write about it anymore

Krysta

I expect more

I expect more of you, you are my friend. To judge me is your job. If I am becoming something I am not, it is your job to show me who I once was. It is my job to show you that you are special. It is my job to let you know what I know. What I think is wrong and right. If i know you are being hurt, you just don;t know it, I will tell you. If you are being treated unfairly it is my job to tell you, let you persue it, and if taht doesnt work, i will stick up for you. It is my job to share my heart with you, as i need someone to share my heart when I have left this place.

If you are in Love with me. It is your job to let me know when you look into my eyes and see hope. It is your job to carry my burdens when you have a free shoulder. If I am in Love with you, I will look into your eyes and you will see beauty within my eyes. If I am in Love with you... you will never feel like you have no one.. because I will show you the best things about yourslef... I will carry any burdens... i will... I WILL show you what love is..

Taylor's sign?

Since Taylor died, I have been waiting. I have been waiting for him to let me know he is ok. I dont know if many would comsider this a sign, but I take as Taylor telling me to be content... to feel better.

When I went to see Keith Urban, a song came on. It was called Tonight I wanna Cry. I dont know why but after that song came on, everyone at the concert went quiet. I had chills up and down my spine.. and I have never felt that way.. not ever before. I thought about Taylor.. a tear flowed down my one cheek. I came home that night and wrote on Taylor's Memorial site about how i thought of him.

Now the weird part. Taylor's friend Michelle. SHe had asked a bunch of people for my email address. She finally found it and wrote me an email saying she had a sign for me. She said that she had gone to the Keith Urban Concert and that song came on and she felt Taylor at the concert. She said that when she went to open my message on Taylors site, that the song came on her computer. The thing is.. she didnt even know she had taht song on her computer. It came on and my message popped up and it was about the song that was playing at that second. She said she thought that she needed to tell me somethings.. to let me know Taylor was ok.. and that I was not the only one who felt it.

Sometimes I believe in these things. Sometimes I dont. As for this time.. I think I know that this was a sign from Taylor.. He finally saw what I needed...

I love you Taylor... I love you so very much..

Well... I better be off to bed.. night night

Letting your true self show is the ONLY way

When I see my life as a whole. I seem to get overwhelmed and just don't understand what I am doing wrong. This is why I am always so upset, because I dont understand the concept of being "together" and being allowed to grow. I am only 20 this year, and I have a great deal to do and live. I have endured a lot in my life. I have lost many whom I love and cherish.Trying to let go of teh faces that helped me through and befriended me, is extremely hard. Having friends who can be there for me is great. I am so extremely blessed to have great friends who love and treat me with respect. I know that in my life I have many who love me, I just need to open my eyes sometimes. This world is very scary and I just want to live every moment to its best. I want to love people and never let go, I want to sit and actually enjoy a crisp day, a beautiful sunset, a morning rainfall. The things in life that are important are what I take forgranted. If i dwell on friends that have passed, how am I suppose to show my friends who are here and love me, that I indead do love them as well. My family is beautiful, and they deserve a sister and daughter who will be happy and who will love them as much as they love me.

It was not until this past friday that I had let my parents know that I am not doing well. I wrote my mom an email and told her that I have a lot of anxiety. I came home for the weekend and we are discussing what I do need in my life right now. I cannot go on being unhappy. I cannot go on living in the past and from thsi point on, I will be on my way to a better place.

A friend told me yesterday taht I am making myself weak by telling people my faults and letting my feelings finally show. I responded by telling him that if I dont show these weaknesses, that I will forever long a life that I dont have. In order for me to become strong, I need to bare my life to the world and let it be known that my heart aches, that I am not ok. If I were to keep my life a secret any longer I would be unhappy, and I KNOW that I would end up like Taylor. I KNOW that Taylor wants me to be happy, I know he is upset watching me. A friend told me last week that Taylor did not kill himself to see you unhappy, this should be a lesson. He did the wrong thing, he let his life eat him away. And if Taylor did anything by dying, he has shown me that if you keep everything in your heart, your heart will grow to big, and your sorrow even bigger, the end result being death.The end result s hurting everyone around you. Taylor I love you. But I need to move on. I know that I need to move on. I need to love and take love, to grow and to understand.It is time for me to grow as me, into a woman, so that I may give others strength in their lives. I knwo what my place is, I just need to prosper in this life.

Love is such a strong word, people say. Yet I can tell everyone in this world that my heart longs for a greatness that cannot be described. I do LOVE beyond all belief, some people just cannot concieve this. I think my advice to any one person is..... Love like you have never loved before. The people around you deserve to be loved, their lives deserve to be filled with this beautiful peace. I can decribe my love, as anything... as a moment in a childs face, a sunset, a bird lifting off, as a person's smile or eyes. Every moment should be filled with love. EVerything we do, should be done with passion, with love. This is the only way we can live our lives to the fullest. This is the only way that our world can prosper TOGETHER. This is the only way we can die knowing we have given all that we can, that we have lived every moment through.

they say that a picture can say a thousand things.... well instead of taking a picture, use every moment at its best.. so that we may say a thousand words about each moment.

feel warmth, touch,smell, see, feel, hear everything.... maybe we can learn something from the earth and people around us... as we all need to learn a thing or two about the world and people around us... you never know what will happen next..

I love you all...
Krysta

Keith Urban will never be forgotten

Tonight I went and saw Keith Urban live in concert. He was absolutely amazing... I have no complaints... Im glad I took Ty with me... He loved it...

I have a lot to write .. I was thinking about a lot of stuff today... and I know what I have to do ... but I have to do it before I write it... so that I can tell you that I have FOR SURE done it...

Krysta

To anonymous comment RE:desperatly trying to find a place

Soo I know this is one of my friends... as they know Taylor as well.. I just wanted to let you know something.... that I am working on..

Lately I realise that my heart... my life.. and my thoughts are very different from many that I know... I think I have more soul tehn a lot of people out there... and you know what... I am starting to realise that I am special because of that... Its just HARD to get by this blah stage... sometimes I feel like I need help... sometimes... I dont trust myself... as I feel absolutely low...
This is not only scary for my friends and family .. but scary for me aswell.. as I dont WANT to believe that I am nothing... its those down days where I feel like I cannot do anything.. and it is a feeeling taht I cannot explain... where I am scared of the thoughts that go through my head.... sometimes I feel like im crazy.. but tehn I realise that every person is... every person has some sort of problem... and I need to get by it... Sometimes.. I feel as though I have been dealt too much... I know that is very selfish to say... but I mean... what can i say.. i have lost sooooooo many ppl in my life... and above all Taylor the one who taught me what I am suppose to enjoy in life.... You dont understand though... you think that i am TOO negative about Taylor... but at the same time... I am not.. I just dont write the positives... Sonce taylor died... I have opened myself upSOOOOOOOO much.. since Taylor died... I have given a few GOOD friends this blogspot address... soo that you DOO know my life.. as I have lost touch with my TRUE friends... It is really embarrassing to give my mind out to ppl... but it helps.. knowing that my friends UNDERSTAND ME... I have opened myself up to cultures and learning about cultures.. trying different foods... different music... I have been more open for GIVING my heart to someone... as I had lost that over the last few years.... I have realised that i cannnnnnot keep my feelings balled up as I DONT want to end up like taylor...


Taylor was such a beautiful person.... his heart was pure..... and what you need to understand,,, is I knew him from teh time I was FOUR... and letting goo... of a life.. that I thought i knew is just beyond hard... growing up thinking life is beautiful and that everything WILL TURN OUT... and then a friend... kills himself... makes you second guess what is offered in this world... I still cannot visit his grave... i cannot let go... and i ammm TRYING SOOOO hard... I mean I look for signs that taylor is here... with me.. and he is not giving me that... ..

I am gaining respect for myself.. as I know my life is worth it to people... and I know I mean something... and I know.. I was put here on this earth to give my heart... as I am sure it is big enough to share... that is what I am realising.... that is what makes me different from everyone else.... I was put here... to give insight... love... and a view on life that most NEED to understand.... k.. i need to stop writing.. Ill write more in a bit

Tears and Rain

If you get a chance you shoudl download James Blunt - Tears and Rain..

I dont know why this song hits me... but I thinks its pretty ... the artist has a very destinct voice... its very different

James Blunt - Tears And Rain Lyrics

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain

------------------___________________________-------------------------_______________________

desperatly trying to find a place

well, its another night.... where I feel as though I could cry through the pain I am feeling. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really dont think I have a place in this world. I try and try and try to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. I try and forgive myself for letting Taylor die. I try to let myself know that things will be ok... but they wont. more and more.. I realise that maybe an easy life wasnt made for me. that maybe its time to give up... on myself...
What is actually scary... is that more and more, I find I am becoming numb to the sadness I have in this world. I am sad. I am not ok. I am not cut out for a life that feeds me the horrible truth of humanity. To cry every night IS NOT ok. I just want everyone to be happy.. let them know I love them. i just want to be the one that gives them happiness. That iis all that I ask of this world... of this hopeless life.... is to give something to someone... give hope... happiness or something that is worth telling myself I am needed....

What do I tell myself?

one of those day

its one of those days...

where you feel like you are shot down by all of your friends...
one of those days where my heart is racing too fast...
im confused as to what I am doing...
why I am soo upset...

I guess im confused in general..

about what? i donno
a million things are rushing at me..

do i talk to someone about them... no i do nothing

wondering what ill do tomorrow...
wondering why I cannot understand simple things..
why I have mood swings..
why I cant breathe...
why I cant manage anything...
everything is soo hard... to manage...
everything is fast

yet I am doing nothing at this particular moment.


why I feel alone... why do I make myself alone..

why do I push away..

why is everything managed by money.. by power
why isnt anything going to be how they should be.

why is it I cant think or talk anymore withoout ppl hating me

that is what I am hated

I will remember you

Three Months in one hour from now, you took your life, leaving us all to bare the hurt and face the world alone. I wish I had you here to talk to about my problems... you listened to my heart. I cant believe we grew up so fast. I remember the first day of school we sat near each other in the circle. I look back to that day... that first day where we were all scared but were all laughing and smiling.. a little shy at first but then we all turned into great friends. who ever could have thought one day I would be sitting here... tears flowing ... wondering where the smiles went. Im not just talking about you... Im talking about us all. When did we stop looking to and for the best. The first thing I remember about you is your smile and your eyes. as we grew up I learned more and more that those eyes were full of honesty and heart. I looked into your eyes and tehy filled my soul with beauty and love. I always say that the people that touch my life appear within my eyes. I think that is why I am always told I have depth within my eyes, within my soul, I take in the people surrounding me.Yes, this is why your death has hurt me so. Everyday I look for a sign taht you are with me. keeping me strong. and everyday I hope that you can see that I love you. I try and smile a little more... just so that you know I am happy.. every colourful leaf that falls...every breathe of freash air is you. Everything great is you.. I soo afraid.... that I will die one day and not have someone to care for me....as I care for you.... I am afraid of the world around me... I am afraid to live.... as living is moving on....

help me.
how do I do this?
how do I live this life?

Beautiful days, cold nights

Its near the end of October..
Leaves falling, days becoming colder and nights even colder. This is one of my favourite times of the year. getting ready for the snow. When I walk down the streets, I find myself stopping and taking a second look. As I stood in a park this morning.. I watched as the leaves fell off the trees.... beautiful trees all around me.... leaves of red, yellow, and orange. I was dressed in a sweater and a scarf and touque as it was not as cold today.... but still cold enough to feel the shiver down your spine. It was great you know.... sitting and watching ppl as they played in the park... couples laughing and play fighting... kids tugging at their parents pant legs... and an older couple... holding each other because of the cold... smiles on their faces. as I walk through park I find myself stopping to smell the air..... that fresh fall smell... you know that winter is coming.. the first snowfall will be coming anyday now.... my favourite day of the year... when the snow is light... the first snowfall is usually in the night and you can see the little snowflakes... I always run out just to sit outside for an hour... just to have that feeling... its like a new beginning... its like the snow is here to wipe out all of the horrible things that happen in our lives... the first snowfall is my ending and beginning.. I let everything go... and wait for spring.... spring iis a total refreshment... flowers growing again.... teh buds on the trees growing again.... and every person is relifted from their depression.

I think in our world we take forgranted our lives and the very people and world in front of us... I hear ppl saying they . hate the cold... that teh wish that lived somewhere warm.. well what I have to say to that... is why can we not be happy with what we have.... why cant we be happy with the beautiful trees... beautiful snow.. beautiful flowers and amazing ppl we do have. We should be thankful that we are alive and our family is healthy.... we should be happy that we have something to live for.. because others in this world are dying... they are sad... they are in a world where they have nothing.. and we are... being ignorant.. complaining that we dont have enough.... we have everything at our finger tips... we just need to work for the things we desperatly want or even better...NEED...

I wish that I could give something more.. you know... I wish I could give my heart away.. or show everyone in this world it can work.... I wish I was somewhere living who I truely am... I need to give more... I wish that this world was calm... I wish that ppl had more compassion... I wish that ppl could see a life as I do... the things in life we have to live for.....

I guess I wish that I could see things like this everyday... unfortunatly it is not always easy to see things in a positive way..

ADUMMM

You know lately... I have seen more in a friend then ever before. I judge people to quickly... and I dont give a person more of a chance. I mean at first I thought things about adam... that he did things I didnt aprove of. But more and more he shows me why I strive for so much. I mean I told him that I dont liek being so young and so serious and he tells me this is a good thing. And you know what... I look at things differently then most.... and when I think of Adam... and the things that are happening with him... I wish I could fix them... because he always fixes them for me.

MOst of my friends treat me wrong... most of my friends make me feel as though this life is nothing.... but more and more... I feel as though I am just not confiing in the few GOOD friends I do have... im always trying to be the favourite when I should just be me...

and I have realised that I have four good friends... and that is pretty much it.... and I am ok with that... Im ok to finally confide in the fully and show them who i really am.....

Thanks Adam for being an awesome friend

Withdrawl of you

The things I think.. The things I say... the everyday routines are from my heart and now in my life I am rethinking of what is important. Having friends, who aren't "real" friends tell me how I should live my life. What ive learned in my life.. is that your friends and family are the most important thing in our lifes..... BUT... I have always left one thing out... ME..... yourself... I think I try and make everyone else happy... so when I get time to myself... to make myself happy.... I end up unhapppy because I have no respect for myself.

Last night... something happened last night... and I missed Taylor more in my life then ever before.... I miss him... I cryed soo hard... you know when you cry and cant stop.... I miss him soo much...Im trying to live my life to every extent... Im trying to laugh... Im trying to do teh things I never thought Id ever do... and everytime I laugh or spent time with my family.. I think of him... thinking about what his parents are doing.. and what they are thinking..... Taylor.. do I ever hate you.. I miss you more then then words could say... my heart aches everyday for you... wishing I could be just like you.. and what scares me the most .. Is part of me is JUST like you... and I am afraid that I will leave everyone behind.. some days are unbearable.

There is one person on thsi earth ... Tyler....my ex boyfriend.... I love him more then anything or everything I have.. including myself.... he is my glory... he is my hope in this world. If everyone were like him.. we would have a perfect world..... he makes me feel like I am SOMETHING...... and now I am worried... because I dont want to be hurt again....

nothing hurts more then a broken heart... my heart is like a glass.... once you drop it... you can pick up the big pieces... but it is hard to ever get your heart to be the same again.. I love Tyler like I love the sky, the fall leaves, I love Tyler like I love the sound of the ocean.... I love him more then I love anything.... and now.. I am going to lose everything.. or so i fear....

A million things running through my mind and its hard to get it down... I mean... my life... is becoming too much.... sooo much going on... that I cannot even think of what to write..... I wish life was easy... or easier to get bye.

Sad song

Sing a sad song
In a lonely place
Try to put a word in for me
It’s been so long
Since I found this place
You better put in two or three
We as people, are just walking ’round
Our heads are firmly fixed in the ground
What we don’t see
Well it can’t be real
What we don’t touch we cannot feel

Where we’re living in this town
The sun is coming up and it’s going down
But it’s all just the same at the end of the day
And we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it’s wrong
So we don’t ask why
Cause it’s all just the same at the end of the day
We’re throwing it all away
We’re throwing it all away
We’re throwing it all away at the end of the day

If you need it
Something I can give
I know I’d help you if I can
If your honest and you say that you did
You know that I would give you my hand
Or a sad song
In a lonely place
I’ll try to put a word in for you
Need a shoulder? well if that’s the case
You know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

Where we’re living in this town
The sun is coming up and it’s going down
But it’s all just the same at the end of the day
When we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it’s wrong
So we don’t ask why
Cause it’s all just the same at the end of the day

Don’t throw it all away
Don’t throw it all away
Don’t throw it all away
Don’t throw it all away
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away

Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
You’re throwing it all away at the end of the day

Coming from a loving place

soo today was raining ... raining sooo hard... I get out of work at 7 and of course its pitch dark outside... soo it took me 1:30 to get home... but on the way I had to transfer buses... so I got out of the bus and it started pouring rain.... It was sooo cold it was like 7 C outside... soo I was sooo drentched.. and Taylors song came on.. Lean on me by Al Green... That song came on on the way to his funeral... anyways it came on.. and I smiled.. because I was dreading the fact that I was out in the rain... and when that song came on.. i thought of taylor... and I smiled cuz not everyday to i stand out in the rain .... soo i sang.. NO ONE could hear me.... I had an awesome night

krysta

Thanksgiving

This weekend coming up is Thankgiving weekend.... Yes I am Canadian. I am trying to think of what I will say at dinner on Monday night..... What do I give thanks for?


This year// i give thanks that my family is healthy and happy... I give thanks to have a family that treats me well and helps me through hard times.... I give thanks to the strangers that became my friends this year.... the strangers that helped me through some very difficult times... it was very nice to lean on someone.. I give thanks to taylor especially... It was a pleaser to have known him.... it was a pelaser to have him show me what life was all about.... I give thanks for the additional family members taht have been added just this year and I pray they remain healthy... I give thanks for life.. for hurt and laughter.. because without these I would not be who i am... and I am thankful that I have experienced these hard times.

DO you ever feel like asking of everything

Although our friends part from us throughout the years, we must never feel as though they are not present. You, have been a big part of my life, whether it shows or not. I hope that whatever happens in our lives that you never forget the times we used to have. I think about you... about how much I miss teh smiles... teh high school smiles... oh God do I ever miss how things were. I miss teh innocence of everyday... I miss the depth within our eyes... I miss the everyday hugs and the every hour laughs. I miss the every minute crazyness... I miss every second of a life we all used to have as friends... and yet no matter how many nights I go out in London.... no matter how many friends I have here.... no matter how many bonds I make here... I find myself looking back at the bonds that are breaking... and how I do nothing to change them....


Do you ever sit and want to ask everyone of everything? kind of like you are sitting here.. a selfish person? Do you ever want to take your world back and and return it for the one you originally had? I do... Sometimes its not a question of life and death its about wanting more in life...... its about if a person is selfish enough to want ... to want to grab life soo bad..... about trying to grasp the wind that blows everything every which way.... it about WANTING a life.... its not as easy as it sounds.... trying to stop something that isnt there... pr even trying to make something happen of something that you think there but isnt.... it will be ok.. I am sure of it.... it will be ok for everyone soon..... we will all be happy.. in a happy world... looking back on our tears and laughing.... looking beyond teh sunset and knowing life will someday make sense for someone..... maybe not me.... but one of these days I will be at peace... It will be ok.... I have full faith in this.... because I knwo I can make it better....

Its something that we all have to deal with

What sucks about this world is you have liers, cheaters and people that make your life a living hell. I am really trying to be positive about what happens... and yeah I have been doing pretty good I guess. But now I ask myself... am I lying to myself by letting things happen in front of me.... and I seriously do nothing about it.. I just let people run me over and show me that I am nothing. I believe I have all potential to make someone happy... I have all potential to be the best I can be... and I guess sometimes I have to deal with what has been dealt.

Im sick of my friends cheating on the b/f...g/fs this is rediculous... I mean if you love someone... you just dont do that... and I guess... well I dont know what to do about it.... sit back and look in from the outside? I want ppl to be honest... straight up.. things in life would be a lot more simple if ppl were straight up... isnt that how we are suppose to gain happiness?.... by living llife simply? that is what someone once told me... that if we dont complicate our lives then in the end you have a happy life....

Im sick of playing "the game" Im sick of fighting back in rediculous ways against other friends.... or ppl that call themselves my friends.... I mean its ALL a game... I mean love.... its a game... because you never know when it is real... when it is fake... or if someone is looking into your heart instead of looking past you.... It is a drama.... my life is a drama... welll not MY life but everyone elses life is MY drama... I get pulled in and I get pushed down cuz I dont knwo how to fight back in this world.... I just dont want to fight back anymore... I dont want to PRETEND anymore.... I dont want THIS anymore...

Its hard to say if I will ever find my place

Realising that you cant stop time

Have you ever left a person and wanted to tell them every word that you have for them.... I have... As much as I have the thoughts in my mind, I cannot speak them. The words I have cannot be spoken because of teh fear of making things worse.... the fear of ruining what I think we have... I mean in my mind... I have fallin in love all over again. Thats awesome eh? Not when the fear takes over your heart. Fear of ruining the time I am having with him. I havent laughed or smiled like this in a very long time.... of course a lot has happened this year... but I havent felt this love in years... and I wish... i wish to the brightest star... to the tallest mountain that this love will last.... Im giving my heart one last chance.....

If it gives up... Im done... Its all done... cuz I cant go through anymore hurt in my life...

Im hoping that life throws me ... happiness

beyond my smile

As I look in the mirror. I see this person. She has long hair. brown eyes. a smile. Do I look good today? DO I look pretty? Will I make a difference today.?



probably not.



You know when you see someone walking down the street skipping, laughing, smiling, an adult flying down a childs slide? those are the moments in most of our lives that we cherish, Watching someone who is happy. This gives us hope for our future. It gives us something to look forward to.

When someone says I am pretty, or they say I have a beautiful smile. I just wish I could say...
Do you know what is behind this smile.?
If I were to show you a video of my life right now... it would show a smiling Krysta... standing tall... head held high... in a white room. Id be wearing colourful colours... maybe an orange shirt. My hair down... happy... you see something in her eyes... something sooo mysterious... she is quiet. she doesnt voice her love for teh sky... for teh earth.. her passions.

And then you move closer ... you look at her eyes.... you move closer... and her real life flys before you... you see life through her eyes...... you are now in Krysta's shoes.... the room is black..... your hair is tied back.... you are crying.... you want to scream but your mouth is tied shut.... the anger is building up.... you cant stop crying... you cant stop wondering where everyone went.....your eyes dull... you are tired... you havent slept in days... you dont want to look in the mirror... you dont see you..... you dont see teh person you once were....

you close your eyes... you open them... you are in a hallway.... a million people walking around you .... you are still.... you are still in your life... making nothing of yourself.. these people arent walking into you.... they arent talking to you.. yelling at you... or even glancing at you... tehy really dont care why you are there..... you are in and out of their lives in seconds.... in a moment you are nothing to them..... You mean nothing to them.... you want someone to stop and scream at you... yell at you... you want someone to ask you what the hell you are doing.... but of course they wont... your smile makes them believe you are ok... your bright colours... your upkeep makes them believe you are just as happy as the rest of them.... no one will ever see beyond your eyes..... they will never see into your life of hell.... your life that you dont want to live.... into your darkness......

the good side of everything

I have realised that if you want to be happy you have to see the good side to everything. Whether it be a good day or bad, lets face it.. we all have our negative points... Its sad that we let the little things in life ruin our friendships, our relationships and that is teh worst part of our lives. If we let everything go to our head then we wont have a life left. I might be talking stupid but really just think about it.

There is no point to getting mad at a friend if plans were ruined, or that they ditched you. Be realistic and know that you have done taht once or twice in your life. I mean... just live it day to day. Like today... I might be havingf a really bad day but I know that tomorrow or the next day will make up for it.

I hope that one day I wont be as tense and I can take my own advice.. i mean I know that everyones situation is different.. but try and look at it as .... someone elses life is worse? or someone is dying right now... or someone is sad... that others are feeling liek you are?> one day we will look back on our tears and laugh.... or smile... and know taht our lives are a bit better..

Ciao

I havent fallen off the face of the earth

So I havent been able to have the internet in awhile... as I just moved into my new place and DSL is not offered in my area until October.

Well this last little while has been absolutley great.. except for some things that are running through my head.... like how can people be so unreal. how can no one care about the crap they do... or how bad it is... how can they not feel like bad people. I guess most people dont have a guilt or a heart like I do? they make up lies or excuses to justify the unhuman things they do?
I guess I just realised that live is full of unfair acts... To be honest it seems that fair, decent human beings take on the guilt of what others have done,,, and the bad part is... the people who have no guilt.... they dont care... they give it away. I mean I guess I dont understand why i worry so much about the people around me... strangers... people I have never met... I give them excuses... others shove off teh homeless... others couldnt care about what happens next door, nevermind that their are floods/fires/people dying of AIDS,Cancer,Suicide, murder etc. I care soo much... I mean I wish I were out volunteering for these causes... and yet my parents would hate me for putting myself at risk of being hurt or killed. I love soo much... i love everyone.. I may be angry with ppl... but II know that every human being has a good side... and I guess that is the reason I hurt so bad.. because I am not given what i give.. I remember in grade three or soo ... being told... treat others as you would like to be treated... and maybe that is why I dont feel the love.... I give too much and dont take care of myself... and this is why I fall apart way to often... And I know that some may think that I have done unfair things to them... but there is a difference.... when I hurt or do something to someone... it is totally unknown... I dont mean those things...
I started a few things for the benifit of my life... they are small and many will think I am stupid..... but little things.... being a Canadian... i am used to people responding in a very poilte way... I mean its not the same when i go anywhere else... people look at me weird when I compliment them ... or I tell them they are pretty... when I am doing what I do,,,,
Last week,,,, I realised that people dont sa hi to each other or smile enough...... so... since then.... I have said hi to anyone who has walked past me....flashing a smile... I have only gotten a positive response... except once... an old man started hitting on me... YUKK...lol.. no I dont like the old fellas.....

But liek im trying to see the positive parts of my life... and the negative seems to take over.. Im fighting it soo bad.... Im fighting everything that has happened... im fighting my heart.. my wants.... thinking anything with Ty means nothing...see taht helps.... when anything happens... I blow it off... thinking it was nothing... of course every moment with him is precious to me... but it helps when I think I mean nothing to him.... that way I dont hurt....
I try to numb myself from shit that happens... and I need to deal with it.... and I am trying.... I just get frustrated with friends.... with family.... with a life that is rushing in...

A life that is coming at me full throttle.... and not knowing what will hit me next scccaaares me... to death.... I wish taht I felt calm.. and not soo overwhelmed... I always feel anxiety.. always.... its like my heart is pumping so fast.. like I am going to screamm... all the time.... its reaslly hard to explain....

I have to go for now.. ill be back though...

Peace, love and chicken grease...lol

When will it hit home

Fear. Not being able to understand. Death.

I cannot handle Taylor being gone right now. I am going to the cottage this weekend. When I get back, I am going to his grave. This means its time for me to say good bye. I said I would do it. I have to. The dreams dont stop. I cannot sleep because of teh fear of seeing him in my dreams.

I wrote down... what I am going to say ... what I have to say....

here it is

Taylor, sweetheart, you were a time in my life where I can truely say taht I was happy. The times we spent together. All the advice you gave me. The life you have given me. I mean i grew up with you. I look back every night to the days where we would meet half way from our houses on our bikes. The nights we had sleepovers.... my best friend. I find myself lying in bed thinking about you, every night I think of you. I cry for you. I cry for the hurt you endured.. the unfair things in life. I cry because I know how you felt. It hurts... bad.. I would rather endure any physical pain, then the pain felt from a heart...
As my life moves on. I find myself stuck in the past. thinking of you. I find it hurtful taht you didnt know how much we loved you. I am hurt that you would leave me here alone. to endure what you have, alone. I talk to you everynight... I ask the same questions... why...? why would you tell me life is precious and then kill yourself? Why would you tell me you would be ok,, if you knew I would feel hurt by you saying that? WHy are you not here helping me...? or letting me help you?
You know I hate myself.. I do the Waht ifs everyday.. What if I told you I loved you more.... what if I saw you the day you died... what if you could be happy with me? ... My heart has endured quite a bit.... and you have hurt me soo bad ... I cry... I cry FOR YOU DAMMIT..... and you felt there was no reason to live? WTF, like why shoud I cry for you? if it doesnt matter anyway/?.. I need you... I need you soo bad... You know I said I would never forgive you.... I hope you understand that... but I guess i am afraid to forgive you Taylor. Because I am afraid if I forgive you... that Ill let go.. and that the memories will fade,,,, i dont wnat you to fade,,,, I have to forgive you though.... so that you can be at peace.. I am bringing you a friendship necklace... you knwo.. like the ones we used to have when we were little... one half of a heart on two necklaces... I am giving you one... and I am going to wear one... so that half of my heart can be with you always.... so that if a day goes by that I dont think of you.... you will have half of my heart to cherish. It is very hard for me to be here... to sit at your grave and soak in what has happpened. but... I will be here.. I will come at christmas... on your b-day.... and on july 31st of every year..... because you deserve that.... for all the love you have shown me... I will give back to this world.... I am going to see amanda and kyles grave today too..... I was afraid to go there too.... but they deserve to hear me again...
I hope they are with you... I hope they guide you.... three of my best friends..... together again... I love you sweetheart... I will never foregt you.... I promise you.. I will never forget your smile...your laugh.... your gift to my heart...
Good bye

MY NEW HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I DO know

I know that our lives can be hard. or unexplained. There are things that I am learning, day by day. my outlook on life seems to be getting better and better. To the person who goes through what I did... unhappiness.....

When I was little I was happy. I had the the perfect life. I had friends that were always there. I was ME and I was happy being ME. There are things that happened when I grew up that i didnt think effected me... but they did. My mom being away from home... my dad being away from home. There were people and things in my life that blocked that out. When I hit high school... I was getting attention that I never thought Id ever get... I look back now and I can see that I started distancing myself from people, in high school. Its crazy to look back and think... OMG I had soo many best friends.... and the weirdest part about that.. is that I didnt realise this until last week. I graduated high school... with a boyfriend... he was teh only person I let into my heart.. the only pperson who got all of me and loved me. In college, we broke up... and it hurt bad... because he didnt love me anymore. ALl of teh friends I had ditched werent there anymore.. do I blame them? no... Its hard you know.... because it was this year when I realised I have to find out who Krysta is... who I truely am inside... I was not only fake to others but to myself and I believed it. Because I realised what my life was.. I started feeling low.. the one person I confided in.. wasnt there... and yet I was still pushing away people. I felt a burden on people.. that my life was worthless.. and yet I still played the smile... I still played my parents and my friends... I had a breaking point... where I woke up about a month ago... and cried... (I started crying about a year ago... unexplainably.... no one knew.. but i had no idea why I cried... my low moments... were VERY low. ) I guess this day when I woke up crying.... I would call it the lowest day of my life. I cried soo hard... my ex boyfriend had said I was screwed up a couple of days prior. I believed it.. because I knew something was wrong.... really wrong... So here I was crying very hard... I got up out of bed and dropped to teh floor,,, I decided not to go to school... I sat down... and contemplated what my life was worth. If I wanted to live.... I cried harder... its unexplainable the pain I was in... some people dont care... some people would say I am stupid.... but if you have been there.. tehn you know how low I was. I grabbed a knife... and sat down..... I put it next to me... I had the phone on one side of me.. and the knife on teh other.... I thought of my options.. who I could call... and what would they say....I could call Tyler... but he hates me... I could call other ppl... but they think of me as happy... they wouldnt love ME. I looked on my desk... and there were two pictures taht caught my eye..... the first... a picture of Tyler and I at Prom. Smiling and him holding me... He cares about me... I looked next to it ... a picture of my family.... smiling.... tehy love me...
At that very moment I knew I wwasnt ok... I knew that that I needed to tell someone.... so I did... I todl my friend that I wasnt ok... that I needed help and that I needed her help.. she told me I didnt help.. that I was fine.. and it worked for maybe a week. I knew I had to talk to someone who was going through what I was. and I did... Taylor Wyse. Thursday, July 28th,2005. This was the day when Taylor Wyse changed my life... I wont tell what was said... but it is a new outlook on life.. this was teh beginning... I went home the next morning... to Guelph.. had a great weekend... until about 9:30 on Sunday July 31st, 2005... this was teh day Taylor Wyse decided he couldn't live. He hung himself off of a bridge. As the tears stream down my face, I tell you, this young man is the reason I chose to live. There is Anger. There is Guilt. There is Sadnes and there is the unexplained.
When I was told that Taylor died, I was in shock... I thought that maybe someone would call me and say this is a prank. I went and saw his mom... that week I saw many friends... old friends.. I talked to friends that I hadnt talked to since elementary school. It was all pretty much a blur..... I went to the visitation and broke down with anger... bawling my eyes out because his family recognized me as a good friend..... I cried hard. I was teh last person to leave... I had about 3 minutes with Taylor... his body, cold. his face, still. it was surreal.. I yelled at him. Asking why... asking every question I knew wouldnt be answered. Every question taht I tried to answer..... i felt betrayed... but it still didnt settle in. I decided to do a reading at his funeral. I can NEVER explain the guts it took. EVER.. to get up there. I was up at the front... and I looked down and saw Taylor's Family His mom... His sisters.... and then his dad... I had never seen his dad cry.... as his dad looked up at me... he started bawling his eyes out... confused.. I looked next to him to find taylor standing there.... but he wasnt... It hit right there.. he wasnt coming back.. I couldnt speak..... because my mind was racing... I wanted to drop and cry... but I didnt.. I spoke slowly.... and calm... and finished the reading... and I got down.. and cried hard hugged his family and hoped that Taylor heard my voice... It was at that very second that I realised that I am going to live my life.... Im going play hard and live hard.... It was like... when Taylor died he took my pain.... I am completly happy except for my longing for him. my heart is forever thankful for him. Today... three weeks from teh day he died...... I sit here.. and tell you.. that I am showing you me.... openly..... I have a huge heart to offer.... I have laughter to give... I my helping hands to change our world... to rid pain.... and I want to make sure that everyone knows taylors secret to life......

It just keeps coming

Sleepless nights. Worrying about everything. as a whole. I donno.... maybe this is just not my year...... maybe I am just not supppose to succeed. Today I couldnt stop thinking about Taylor..... It crazy you know.. i find myself going to his web page at least 4 times a day....... my marks are decreasing.... I mean Im doing OK..... but not EXCELLENT...... last night I couldnt sleep... because my nieghbours house got broken into.... and freaky guys are around my house.....

It isnt perfect

Our lives change day to day and we don't seem to understand. We don't understand why we are so unsure or why people have changed so much. When I talked to a good friend last night I realised some things. As we talked and walked we talked about Tyler's anger towards friends who seemed to be untrue to him. We talked about what has gone missing from his life. You see he always thought he had everything figured out. He thought he knew exactly who he was. I made a point that he is at the same point as all of us, trying to figure out who we are and what we want from life. I guess what i dont understand is what is missing. There is a part of him that is missing. That part where everything makes sense. Well, its not making sense. I know him inside and out... or so I thought.

I mean I cannot explain what is happening right now... all i know is it feels great with him....... like we connect again. We were laying on his bed the other night...... just cuddling....... I was playing with his hair...... we fell asleep..... sooo much comfort. It just felt soo goood... I mean apart oof me is being stupid again..... but what I have learned... is he may find another girl and I am clear on that. that is ok... i understand. Of course it hurts, but that is only because he is my first love. I mean i could find another guy who intreges me. But what I have learned... is to take the moments... and I will. i will take teh moments with him... because I feel good during those moments. I feel great during those moments. I feel like ME during those moments.

I told him. That things happen naturally. Nothing should be pushed...but of course an effort soon turns into happiness. Once an effort is happiness...... Our lives make sense of themsleves.

So our relationship might not be perfect.... being confused as to what our friendship means.... but nothing is perfect... and i am willing to settle on that.

Krysta

Thank you Taylor

If you know me, then you know that this last year has been one of the hardest years of my life. I couldnt understand why i was so down all of the time or why I was so negative. I wish i could say that I have always been happy and always will but we all have ups and downs of our lives. Taylor opened my eyes to a world where everything is moving so fast.... but our hearts have to keep us stable. Afetr Taylors Funeral I realised a few things.... I realised that I need to show my love to the people I love most... that a job or school is NOT more important then my well being or my friends or family's well being. If you are in the same place as I am.. then you are trying to figure out who you are. In my opinion... I think thatwe have personalities taht are always there... I mean we have them when we are little... and then throughout highschool you are intreged with another life taht you lose apart of you.... I mean for me.... this year I looked in the mirror... and had no idea who i was looking at... that isnt me. and I guess teh part i lost came back when taylor left. I realised that we have so much hate... HATE FOR NOTHING.... I mean I was angry at ppl.... and realised that I wasnt angry I was hurt and that I still loved those ppl. There is a quote "Anger is an extension of sadness, It is easier to be angry then to tell someone you are hurt." this is completely true... when Taylor died... I appologised to those people because it isnt worth it. What if tehy were to die tomorrow.,... I woudl hate myself. I realised that I still have a lot of friends. They are still there... we just lost touch. it wasnt their fault or mine... it happens in life.. and a little bit at a time we lose a piece of us... of our lives... this is why we turn out to be so unhappy and alone. I realised taht I was so afraid to confide in my friends that I thought I was alone. I pushed everyone out. i realised last week.... that it is ok to cry.... it iis ok to let people know you care. It is ok to ask for a hug or even aska friend to spend time with you... it isnt an inconvenience, its friendship. I mean i was so lost in teh innocence of yesterday that I didnt realise that I still have my whole life ahead of me. I realised that I AM a good person.. that I have touched peoples lives... and that I DID and DO mean something to people.. All I ask for my future and yours... IS TO LIVE LIFE..... it is so true ... ours lives are short..... as teh years go on... we will lose more and more friends and family to death. One day it will be you or I... our day to die. the only way we will make it is if we let our love blossom. I know I will never let go of taylor.... he is a friend for life... he always was..... but now... we need to let teh other people that mean something, KNOW that they mean something... So that when our day comes.. people will be able to remember us as friend for life..... or when friends or family die.. they will know that they were loved..... This is crucial..... to be able to move on through life

Sunday night

I LOVED YOU TAYLOR

I feel betrayed.. because one of my greatest friends.... I will never see again...... I miss you sooo much... I wish I didnt have guilt... I feel like I could have done something for you.... why did you leave us wihout saying goodbye... why? why would you do this to us... to me..... I am soo unbelievably mad at you... i wish I could forgive you... I cant let go... I am hanging on soo tight.... I cant let you go.... your beautiful smile..... your beautiful heart....


I loved you.. soo much..... I always felt apart oof your family... apart of your life... and now that you are gone.. I dont know what to do.... because a piece of me has been torn away without notice.... without letting me know.... So waht do i do now... how do I move on..... how do I move thorugh this week.. nevermind this year or my life without you...

I didnt tell you how much you meant to me... how beautiful you were..... how much your life impacted me.... how much I could have given you..... tell you how much I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!

Life will never be the same

What do I say to her

What do I say when Taylors mom looks in my eyes and asks why..

What will I do when I say goodbye to his beautiful face as they close the casket...
Will I smile when they talk of his memories..... or will I fall to the floor?
Will I grab someone and cry.. will I hate him for leaving me.... Will I look beyond this and love him for him... or will I cry until I cant breathe anymore?
Will I speak with passion of his life.... or will I cry because his life has ended.?

These questions are flowing through my mind as I wait for the funeral...
I miss Taylor... with all of my heart,,,, why is our world so complicated.. why am I hurting so bad,,,, why couldnt he have come to me.... a million ppl walking and talking past me... one thing on my mind..... I cant forget you..

bye..

I wish things turned out differently

Yesterday I found out that a good friend took his life. I am completely in shock and dont know what to do.
I talked to him last week.. He promised it would be ok.. he promised me we would be fine.... HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO US.... WE FUCKING LOVED HIM>> FUCKK

Ill be writing in a couple of days... I have a funeral and a wake to go... after that........... on friday... ill write more..

Krysta

too early in the morning for me

It is 5:10 am... and here I am tired as hell... and I cant go to bed because my mom will be here in a couple of hours... I cleaned my room... my house.. so that she would aprove...... she has only seen my house once..... when she helped me move in..... sh eis kind of busy travelling and such. So basically... i decided Id go home and see everyone for the weekend... my uncle is coming also... and we are going to look at a couple of places for rent....
I found a place I liked .. and within a day of the landlord putting the listing up the apartment was rented....blllaaa... thats ok.. it was too close to downtown... kind of scary and too busy for my liking..... so today we are looking at a couple.... hopefully we will liek them..... there is one place that I want... it is a whole house between Celeste and I.... except starting in the winter.... the landlord Monique will be living with us.... she is 22.... so thats not bad at all.. she is cool... and she is in interior design.. and Celeste is in Landscape design and I am in Graphic Design.... we are all clean and outgoing... so i am kind of hoping that one works out too.. and it would only be a 45 min walk to school..... 15 by bus.. soo I guess we will see..

I am taking pictures of my room here and the house... because I will miss it here... I shoudl have just stayed here.. but too many girls in one house... I guesss if we lived with guys it wouldnt be as bad.. but whatever.. its college... I wanna check out some more places:)

K well i have to go clean the kitchen and the downstairs living room.... blllaaaaa... have a great day
krysta

SICK

So Im not feeling well AT ALL..... but some things got to me today so I just need to write them down.

My adventure or realisation of our world

I am on the bus going to see an apartment. The bus is quiet, no one is talking and I came to realise that in our culture we dont break out conversation anymore... I mean I wish I could talk to someone on the bus but if I did, Id probably get a dirty look because that person wouldnt know how to take it. Living in Canada, I love it, and I love the people.... polite... BUT we dont talk anymore... we are becoming so involved in OUR lives that we dont care about others.
After looking at the apartment I was waiting downtown London for the bus... and it took sooo long but there are a few things I noticed.

I am standing on the sidewalk... in expensive jeans.. an aeropostale shirt with a gap shirt underneath... a purse from guess, old navy sandals... and accessories and a man comes up to me... he looks faint... he looks sick... he looks sad... he comes up to me and says three words that hit me.... well he said more then three words... but three stood out... PLEASE... FOOD... SICK... he asked if I woudl buy him a sandwiche.... he felt sick.. please.... he was homeless.... I didnt have even a dime on me I SWEAR... but still I wasnt lying like everyone else... I really had no money on me.. not even in my bank... if I did I WOULD BUY HIM A SANDWICHE... he walked by me... and I wanted to cry.... I mean this poor man... he was starving... and I did nothing about it... he crossed the street and started walking the oposite way and as he did.. he fell .. of course he got up... but I tell you... I felt really bad... I wanted to run over and give him my earings.. my watch.... anything.. but of course I didnt...

wow... I dont feel like writing the rest Im sick....

Ill write teh rest later
bye

Pictures for Aditya

Some pictures of Canada.... Post some of India












This is London, Ontario.. a picture of the skyline..... THIS IS where I LIVE..

A new Life

When I sit here on nights like this... I go through ups and downs of my life... all of the time....

I sit here on this beautiful night and I stare out this big window. I look up at the stars. I gaze and wonder. Seems like a whole big universe out there. Seems like you could never reach up and touch those beautiful stars. When I look up at the stars..... I think of my dad and how when I was young, that is what we did every summer. Sat and stared at the stars... the satellites.. this big beautiful sky. I smile becauuse its great memories that I remember. Its once taht smile comes that my whole night turns bad. Thinking of the past is my problem. I think of this wonderful life.. My mom. My dad. My family. Smiling. And yet here I am frowning. I think of all the things taht happened in my life in the last few years. Its soo unreal. Soo not true. I look at myself and I think of this happy girl. This very happy, beautiful life that she is suppose to be having. And yet still... I cannot pull her out.

Thinking of momments. Memories. Happiness. I cannot help but think of the people I shared these momments with. And the only people I see as real is a few good friends and my whole family. So after that I think of the "true" people, I think of the other people I confided(sp?) in. People that I loved .... Tyler.. moments that I will never get back. memories that have been taken... memories and moments are supppose to be happy... and yet everytime I think of them I cry. 3 plus years of my life..... and I dont even want to talk about them.... It hurts everytime I think of highschool... everytime I think of happiness and everytime he hurt me this year. It hurts to believe that we will never be friends again. That all my heart went to a person who took it and never gave it back. Why is it that love is unfair? Why is it that I have so much passion for a world that is hurting me so bad. I want more then anything to believe my life will be full of happiness. to believe someone will treat me right. I want more then anything to get my years and my memories and my heart back.

This big universe and yet it so quiet... and yet I am trapped in a house, city, in a province, in a country. Look down at me... I am alone. Striving to do so much... Striviing to be someone.

A new life is what I am living. Understanding my family and confiding in THEM. What most people dont realize is that when you are in love you give everything to taht person. everything you have. When everything it is taken away, you have nothing. You are empty and everything you did with that person..every movie you watched... your favourite restaurant.... your perfect pictures and every building you passed by with them, become a representation of hurt. Not wanting to go anywhere... but pushing yourself.... not wanting to care.... but crying. So you never watch those movies again... you avoid those places... and you rip every picture and sit and cry... because now...what are you suppose to do... start over... so here I am starting over... starting a new life... and its hard... because I dont want to move on... I want to be happy with him again.. and yet he has done soo much to me... hurt me soo bad.... I miss hugs and kisses... and cuddling.. and laughing.... I miss laying in bed and talking for hours.... I miss those moments where we would look at each other and smile... I miss feeling part of something... feeling like I belong...somewhere..

I hurt because he doesn't care. Do you know what that feels like? Its like feeling like you want to die. Here I am beating myself up about my life.. and he is happy. And he doesn't care. It's very hard. Its unbearable... and heart breaking....

So while here I am starting over, I think about dating again. Why would I? Because I want to feel something again. BUT I am also scared as hell.. because this person could show my love and a world that is great and honest. And then one day when I am happy... he will take everything I built up to give him.. Was it just Tyler? or is there anyone true out there? So I am alone.... and scared to move on... So what makes it better? What make my heart fill up with joy? What makes me trust again... LOVE IS GREAT AND WONDERFUL... BUT IT KILLS YOU INSIDE

Giving up

Should we give up on people because they have let us down? Should we stop helping our friends because they don't show the same care as you?

The truth iis... no you shouldn't give up.... as much as I say I am sick of it and feeling liek shit, I do have feelings and I have a good outlook on what should happen...

I know that some people treat me or other people like shit and yes there IS a point where those people should be left because to be honest... we all have to have a point where our own strength is more important. But friends..... people that were once gold to you.... people that once treated you with the highest respect. A friend is someone where you have seen them at their weakest point.... you have gotten to know them and you have put them in your heart.

We all know taht you have stronger peopel who would do anything for their friends...a nd then you have the other weaker ones that dont..... the truth is though... at one point or another that person was there for you in the weakest of times... and well you shoudl keep trying...

You should always be there for people..... whether or not those people care or not.... because I am a full believer that one day it will come back to me..... I mean no regrets... no guilt...... teh things that prevent happiness....... and others WHO HAVEN"T been friends..... well good luck with your life and your happiness...

krysta

sss

Hurt- Nine Inch Nails

"Hurt"
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Life here in my world

Soo today...... was a good day.... I guess... besides my tendancy to procrastinate....... I have a poster and logo due tomorrow morning... and here it is .... 1:36 am and I am still doing it...lol...



I was talking to someone today... and I was giving him advice... and these thoughts were flying our of my mouth... advice that I also need to take..

stop doing the what ifs.... teh what ifs in life are what hold us back from happiness.... from a life WE COULD have.....

 what better a thing.. then to have a life with someone that you can sit down for hours and talk to about anything.... being with someone who WILL make you smile instead of cause you problems.... what better a relationship then to look out for each other... then to help each other with life with steps in life that need to be taken..... I mean who else would you really want to share that with

The other parts are personall.... but really I say all of these things and really I need to start saying them to myself...

its true though... I DO teh what ifs... EVERYDAY of my life....... and the what ifs are what make me ssad.... because you cant change the past.. and instead of looking at the past.... I should be moving ahead with great things... with people that make me happy..... and start taking leaps for things I need I need and want.... because I never do that anymore because I am scared,,, and I cant do that.... I have to do things for myself... and get up and show the world I can smile and show the world I am free and open to possiblilities.... giving a chance..... I WANT HAPPINESS.... I WANT CHALLENGES... because I have been through a lot... and I HAVE learned a lot in those times... I have learned my family.. they are teh greatest peopel I know.... I just never allowed myself to see it....


Time to step up and BE SOMEBODY

Things that we take for granted

So today Ashley and I did a shit load of laundry.... 13 loads of laundry CAN YOU BELIEVE IT... wow... so we did that while we called places for apartments,,, by the way.. NO SUCH LUCk... going to look at a place tomorrow but it is a pretty long bus ride to the college.... but it newly renovated. It is a three bedroom apartment .... So Celeste and I could have friends stay over after going out downtown or whatever.... But I am hoping it is nice... it is only 845$ per month... which is pretty good for London.

Soo Ash and I were being pretty stupid... she really knows how to make me feel good... she is definitly a GREAT friend.... soioo yeah we did our laundry... and then we searched for apartments... and then we went to the grocery store and went to Cosco and walked through being idiots..... sat in the parking lot being stupid.... she had a very good point... her and I have the best of times.... because we MAKE the best of times.... most ppl would rather go out to the bars...which we do ONCE AND AWHILE... but... mostly... we just like to have fun and be open to different things... we have been checking out AWESOME music ... new bands in London..... new cultures.. and foods.... well I AM PICKY... but I am trying to get over that..... exploring different possibilities... rather then being sucked into the regular robot life of living exactly like everyone else..... We go for walks in parks and talk about various topics... and we laugh sooo much.. like today we were at a stop light and a song came on... and we were head banging...HAHAH.. people must have thought we were rediculous..... but we didnt care.... and THOSE ARE the best of times...... when she knows I am down.;... or she can tell what I am feeling.... she makes the extra effort... its amazing..... she is my best friend... and also the sister of my ex boyfriend... and even though he and I are not friends anymore.... or talking..... she still remains friends with me...... and that shows me that even under pressure she has still remained one of the best ppl I know....

Well... yeah so today WAS a better day... and hopefully some more days follow...

Krysta

as a friend

You can't change the things that have happened in your life. You cant go back and tell everyone you wish you did things different... you cant change the hurt or change that hurt you have endured in your life.. it is impossible..... what is also JUST as impossible is forgetting your life and the bad, impossible things that have happened in your life. If you have hate... if you cry... if you can't do anything but think about the messed up things in your life... then taht is how it is.... that is how things happen... that is reality... You cant change what is going to happen in your life.. if you die... well then you die.... take it as it is.. accept it and hope that someone elses life turns out better.

For someone to tell me to lighten up.... well that shows me that the day this or that person endures what I have.... I will be there for them and I hope they remember the things they have said to me...

All I ask as a friend... is be there when I NEED you.. and I will do the same either way... as much as you put my life and my habits down... i will be there and I will be the friend... the person I have always been. I am a person.... who has endured much... who is going through a lot... who is trying to figure out what to do with her life.... trying to figure out her place .. if anything is her place... and all I want is support from my friends...my family.... I want a hug when I am sad... without questions or a big conversation.... when I am confused... when I am unsure about my life... let me talk.. for I let you give all your words and thoughts before I invade your life... with my opinions... if I ask .. as a friend .. for your opinion.... that is when i truly need and want it.... when i tell you I dont want to here it... I DONT... I dont want to here hurtful things that effect my day to day living......

Be a friend..... that is all taht I ask..... it may be hard sometimes... to look into my eyes.. and see hurt... and may be hard to look at me and want to leave it all behind..... but please be there....as a friend by my side... for i will do the same thing through all that you endure, as my friend.

Long day

So its been quite a long day... I didnt get to bed until 6:30 am again.. and my friend showed up at 12... lol banging on my door becauuse I wouldnt answer....well good thing I got up.. anyways... we went to the mall... and looked at clothes... ok.. i know.. im a cheap college student... so I have NOO money....but I was eyeballing a shirt .,... FOR almost 200 dollars Canadian..... I could make it for 20..... wow..... Ok Im cheap.... I refuse to spend more then 25 dollars on a shirt... 60 on a sweater..... 100 on jeans..... so on... depressing... blaaa and soo we went and tested out perfumes... and make up... I hardly wear any anyways... but its fun to do the girly things you know... anyways.. thanks Ashley for taken me:) good times with my buds.....

Anyways... my brotehr is in London for a stag.... and HE HASNT VISITED... I havent seen him in two months.... and I miss him:( blllla

anyways... well Im off... I have a website due soon... gotta put some ideas together..

Bye
Krysta

Please Remember

I know this sounds retarted... but today I heard this song... and Ive listened to it many times.... but today... it hit me... and this is for you... and You know who you are.....

Artist: LeAnn Rimes Lyrics
Song: Please Remember Lyrics

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
the memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
while we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
I'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
And remember, Please remember me

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this heart was yours and mine
and how a dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I knew that you had me

Please remember, please remember

Torture

I miss you ......... soo very much..... please don't do this to me.....:(

tells all knows all

Man with a few words
His expression tells it all
Sorrow in Her eyes
She knows it all
When will they see the sunrise
just like before
Her love will always be with him
Now and forever more.

A fool

Confused, not being excepted by you
Waiting, wondering how or why?
You'd understand if only you knew
the pressures, the people and how they lie.

You never excepted me for I am
you tore me apart, you left me alone.
Sometimes I thought you didn't give a damn.
Even if you did, you still didn't pick up the phone.

The memories, teh laughs left in my mind,
Crying, hating , listening for your sound.
Here I am, alone, confused, trying to unwind.
Our life is over, gone, lost but never found.

Tell me what to do, a friend and such,
I know you cant and that hurts me
this life is unfair, cruel to the touch
its hard, its sad and thats life you see.

Counting down the hours, the minutes,
When is the harshness going to end,
When is it, that life goes over the limits,
wen you stop waiting, stop trying to mend.

I understand this is life, accept whats given,
But why, why accept something so cruel.
something unfair, its so hard just livin'
trying not be what you think I am, a fool.

sleeep

Do you think I changed too fast? Maybe that is why I am where I am. I used to play by what people thought. I used to abide by everyone's standards, by the way everyone THOUGHT I should be. I was happy. or was it a mask? Maybe I was pretending everything was ok. Maybe I was young and I needed to pretend. I smiled. I joked around... tried not to be TOO serious. My parents told me I was going somewhere big. I was going to be SOMETHING. and now.... Im not so sure of that. I just don't care right now. Ok maybe I care TOOO much..... I mean thinsg are bugging me really bad... and believe me I wish I could fix them... but Im not strong enough. Im weak. Im breaking and I have nothing to show for it. No cause, no great hero story.. no happy ending. I wish you could be in my head... or hear my thoughts..... its crazy... everything is a metaphor to me... I noticed that the other day.... if you have a deep conversation with me... just listen... EVERYTHING IS A METAPHOR what does that mean? This world is too real to me. You know I think about the shit in this world EVERYDAY. How harsh reality is. The funny or not so funny thing is..... Im just realising it..... is that sad? that I had my eyes shut for so long? Bad things happen.... aall the time.. to people that I love.... to friends that deserve better then to be unhappy.... to people who are accused of wrong doing..... to people who are hurting right now... for no reason... this world cannot be helped... doomed... it is soo doomed... we all hate soo much.... we kill... we laugh at people who dont deserve to be laughed at. we are greedy... and some never get the chance to love. Is that fair? Is it fair that love can be broken? Is that really fair? to me? to others? why are we taight to grow up and love/// believe me.. my heart is full... its so god damn full its weighing me down..... but you know what sucks about that... that all the love I have in there..... it is waiting to burst... yet I have no one... I have no one anymore.. to burst that love to.... the other half of my heart is hurt..... yes, hurt..... I hurt for so many people... I hurt because life isnt fair... life gives back in no way... as much as I give... it cant be returned..... it wont be returned.... my heart is soo full that the tears fall because the love and hurt has no where else to go.... Sadness is what takes effect....

The worst part about my life right now.... is my trust is gone... I talk to people... and judge them as bad people because dont know who is good..... My life is so unorganized.... so confusing.... no wonder I am not loved back....... because I am who i am..... because I cant be fake anymore... I cant smile and put teh show on anymore.... its ACTUALLY become hard to pretend.... its ACTUALLY HARD to be me...... when did it all happen?





BEING CAUGHT IN THE MOMENT OF HAPPINESS..... DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN ANYMORE?

where does the good go

Tegan and Sara where does the good go

I like these lines.... thats totally it

Where do you go when you're in love, and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
When do you say it's up for grabs and that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

who am i

i miss you

Quite Nights,
Lonely Mornings.
Wishing things worked out better between you and I.
I know you didn't mean to hurt me.
I know you care about me.
I care about you too.. very much.
What hurts most is letting go of a time where we were happy.
A time where I looked in teh mirror in the morning and felt something good.
I guess this is when I say..... I feel like crying for days.... and to be honest I do.... I want you to know that you arent the reason I turned out the way I did. It just happened. Dont blame yourself.
Us NOT being friends... is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. You know my history .. I know yours... no one knows my history like you. you know my laughs... you know when something serious is up.. just by looking into my eyes... you are my best friend.... and I miss you. More then anything on this earth...... that is all I want is to hug my best friend and tell him that I am not ok. I need you..... I need your support... and yet you will never read this...... you will never know how much i need you right now... how I want to go and walk to your house and tell you that I dont care what you have done... I DONT CARE.... and more then anything I just want a hug,,from you.... being so confused.... so tired.... so just sick of this feeling..... today is the third night without sleep..... Im stressed out and I need you...

You are wrong... you are sooo wrong... I know you cant bare to hurt me anymore...... but you are wrong... i AM not BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.... im soo lost..... and no one is here to help...... Oh GOD I miss you..... you are worth more then life. I SWEAR

GOING DOWNHILL

Im ragging right now...everything is fucked up and I thought i would get ahead with a project that was due tomorrow... so i went to use my usb drive and it was SCREWED UP... ALL OF MY WORK IS LOST.... and soo now I have two projects due tomorrow... It is 12:00 at night... and Im not even nearly finished... so here I am stressing out to the MAX... ready to explode.... ready to yell at someone...... ON TOP OF IT ALLLL... I came into another lab just now and my PROJECT WONT OPEN....... sooo now I have to go back to the other lab burn my project and bring it here again..... ON TOP OF THAT... our colour printer at school... IS OUT OF INK.... so now... I have to go home... save this project as a jpg or something or a PDF. file and bring it home... HOPEFULLY IT OPENS... AND THEN... HOPEFULLY I HAVE ENOUGH INK... to print it... I have to lay it out...put an overlay on it and have it handed in for 8AM... YEAH THATS FUCKING RIGHT 8 AM.... IM SOOO FUCKED.. I dont give a shit anymore.. I just want out...... FUCK.... and taht isnt EVEN COUNTING the one I have due in the afternoon...... this is retarded...

Krysta

IM PRAYING FOR YOU MICHELLE

Well tomorrow my friend Michelle is going to be having a mastectomy on both of her breasts,, that basically means they are being removed.

She found out a couple of months ago that she has breast cancer and she is VERY afraid. Today I was talking to her and she was shaky and very nervous...... she sent me the whole surgery online.... OMG.... it was crazy... sooo frightening... she is having two surgeries in one day.. one to remove and one to take fat from her stomach to build her breasts again..... I s=cant even believe it is ACTUALLY happening.

I am praying for her.... and I am going to visit her tomorrow or thursday... most likely thursday as tomorrow she probably be weak,,,, I just hope this does it... and that she will be ok..... LOVE YA MICHELLE

Krysta

life moves on

Worst Day Of My LIfe

Today.... it came at me full blast. The things I wish i coudl change. The things I have done. The people I have hurt. The peopel that have hurt me. The things taht arent fair in life. The people that make things unfair. My heart and how it has been broken in to a million pieces.. Being afraid for friends..... missing the happiness... missing family.... missing high school. missing a childhood that promised me soo much. missing people I never thought Id ever think about. Wishing I travelled.... wishing I did something great with my life. wishing I helped more people.... Wishing someone woudl help me. Being afraid of life.... being afraid of death..... Missing profound people..... Loving and Hating...... Looking at my life... and knowing... I have done nothing that anyone could ever talk about....... nothing great...... feeling unloveable..... feeling useless... feeling pressure.... Not being able to breathe........ it all came in one blow...... my chest was PHYSICALLY hurting.... it felt as though a dozen people were standing on my chest.... at once...... Wanting it all to be over and done with...... wanting peace again.

PAIN

RAGGING

Some people really Fucking piss me off. First of all..... because they have no fucking reason in teh world to judge me the way they do... no FUCKING REASON.. Secondly, I love how NO ONE can fuckiing think for themselves anymore... well MOST people.... they need to talk behind my back... they need to discuss MY FUCKING LIFE... they need to judge me based on THEIR thoughts..... THEIR views..... adn yet im not even there to stick up for myself... WELL FUCK YOU.. sorry... I didnt mean for such a negative post... but really.... what the hell did I EVER DO.......... WHAT THE HELL...!!!!! Whatever you know... its over.... its done with and this person can go to hell for all I care........ I have NO sympathy for them... AT ALL.....

I give props to people that can confront me... that can have the balls to ASK me about my life..... For those people that PRE JUDGE me.... just dont even talk to me..... I dont want friends like that..... I dont CARE for friends like that.......

I guess this MAKES IT A LOT EASIER FOR ME TOOO.........

LIVE LIFE FOR YOU
Krysta

Late night thoughts

So I am here thinking again. About my future, my life, my everything. At this point in my life I CAN say that I feel a little bit of accomplishment. I mean, I have done a lot and dealt with A LOT these couple of years. One being that I moved away from the only people that love me, my family. I moved away from my friends and tried to develop a NEW life. A life where I am independant. I know to most people this is not a big thing but really it is. Paying for everything by myself. Of course my parents help out sometimes... but no.. I have worked for everything I have and own. Going to school right now is HARD... not Just because it is difficult in school work wise... but because I am not THERE... meaning Im just in a land where I am thinking..ALL OF THE TIME.... thinking about my life and its meaning... about my relevance. I have a lot to offer to people. I have a lot I wish I could give right now... yet here I am telling all of you that, really, for once.... I CANT GIVE ANYMORE... Im not going to ramble on about my problems or the things that happened to me this year..... what I will say is things that happen in life .. sometimes aren't fair.... and I cannot help but concintrate on this unfair life.... Its not ONE thiing... its many... of course they all happened at once... and finding a way to dig myself out is hard.... finding a way to challenge this is unbearable...

Some people think I am screwed up... some people think I hold too much in... some people think I dont have a grasp on life.

But what I have to say is... SOME PEOPLE AREN'T IN MY LIFE.. IN MY HEAD..... so tehy dont have a right to say that. To teh people I do talk to...... they know most of me..... they know I have my problems.. and that I don't liek to talk about those problems.... because to be honest.... to be able to talk about them... you have to be comfortable... and I really havent been comfortable with ANYONE yet....

You know... I wish I could forgive people..... forgive the things that people have done to me.... just leave it all behind.. but something instead of me has soo much hate... and I wish I didnt have taht hate.... but I do....

The crazy thing is...... If you know me well...... Well then you know.. that I forgive TOO much and that I TRUST tooo much... and so for me to hate with all that I have... really takes a lot...... but you know.... I am a person who DOES forgive...but all I need is something to show me they deserve that.... I DONNO... I donno what I am saying...

Today.... I am looking at my past thinking... where? where did it all goo? passion? love? greatness? Of course I still have passion... I have passions... if you have a deep conversation with me you will see that.... I think A LOT... about great and wonderful things......... but Im not talking about dreaming or thinking... Im talking about reality..... when ae we ever going to live in reality... and face sorrow in the face and live life to teh fullest....

Well taht is all for tonight... I know.. its a lot to read.....

But I guess I hope you all have a GREAT sleep.. and an awesome week :)

Love yas
LIVE LIFE FOR YOU

Krysta

I LOVE MY PUPPY

ok yeah Im an idiot... i liek this blogspot SOOO much better,,,, I can upload pictures....this one is of my puppy and I

Purple sunset

here is a picture of a purple sunset... I just wanted to see how it works

A NEW BEGINNING

Here I am... its Sunday night... i transfered over.. teh somewhat important blogs from my last blogspot... I will still use the other one.... but for me... some of things written in teh other one are a bit to negative for my friends and family to read... we all need a bit of privacy.... as for this blogspot.. I want ppl to read it.. because it gives people a bit of a view of my life.. and for those friends taht i dont see... it shows I am still up and running.. I have some writing to do... I love to write stupid things and ideas.... if you liek them.. let me know... i like to hear peoples opinions... let me know if you disagree..... after all I like arguements about stupid stuff.... hey thats my life... this is my life... well partially....

Today is a new beginning.. a new blogspot for new thoughts and hopefully being a bit more positive.... its time to write about other things besides the people that make me sad and lonely.... Lately... my life HAS been sad and lonely... I AM unhappy... and for those GOOD friends of mine... you are my WHOLE life.. you know who you are...... you know where you stand...

For those of my friends that havent talked to me lately... or had a good discussion with me... I want to let you know.. i havent forgotten about you.. you are still in my heart.... just there are things taht I NEED to deal with and things that I CANNOt take out on others...well besides Aimee...lol.... because she is in my house.. she takes the fall sometimes... when I get moody....

To bring ppl up to speed..... I want to leave Canada.... for awhile.... to get away... from everything... dont take offense.... I love you all.... but FOR ME.... I need to discover a new world to break myself free from habits and a world that I am TOLD to follow.....

Today... is a new beginning... a positive beginning... time to pull everything up.... time to set my life straight... set things move into motion......... start smiling..... start meeting people that inspire me..... take leaps.... for I once used to take those leaps....... MY NEW LIFE...... and if you feel llike being negative to me... well/..... just dont.... I dont deserve it AT ALL... I deserve happiness... and I WILL GET HAPPINESS.... withour NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!!

Well everyone.. have a good night or week....

LIVE LIFE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Krysta

LIVE STRONG BRACELETS

Id liek to make a comment about the MANY papers and posts and articles about teh LIVE STRONG bands being a WEAK fad.

Some people are telling me NOT to wear the yellow LIVE STRONG BRACLET.... I have one and I Just got it. Ok soo a lot of people think I am a retard for buying it. Well You know what FUCK I am so pissed off about this...
In the article...... it says "Next time you're out at the bar and hitting on some chick, check out her wrists. I bet she's wearing the bracelet. If she is, and she knows what it's for, tell her that's great, but you don't need to show the whole world that you support cancer because you obviously do unless you enjoy dying, so despite her desire to be a lemming, she may as well remove it."
Another article said that teh only reason people wear them is for a fad.... and supposably the fad is OVER..
Yes I am wearing the bracelet. And No I am not wearing it because it is a fad. Quite frankly if you think Cancer is a fad then you are fucking retarded. Everyone knows someone who has died of cancer. Everyone has felt the grief of losing a person they loved, including me. My grandmother died of cancer... and for someone to tell me that her death is a fad,,, that i am wearing a bracelet supporting the research of her death because it is a fad,,,, taht is just wrong for someone to say something like that to me... OR TO ANYONE..... I loved my grandma and Id do anything to bring her back..... but it is impossible to bring back those people we loved. So tell me what teh hell is wrong with wanting to support a cause to save my friends... my family or even myself...
I will wear this bracelet until cancer is gone.. until the day i die if that is what it takes.... I WILL try and make other people wear them to make them popular... for those who dont know what the bracelet is for... WHO FUCKING CARES.... make it popular... make it known... so taht more and more of us will buy them... instead of putting down the cause and reason for having these bracelets. People put down the fact taht people dont know what teh bracelet is for..... yet does it matter....... really taht just means more and more people are buying a bracelet and more money is going to Cancer... id rather that then leaving everything as it was..... It is sad that buying a bracelet is teh only way that I or other people support cancer...... but isnt it a good thing that our world is FINALLY joining together to rid our pain?
Tell me what you think... if you think Im wrong or right?