sleeep

Do you think I changed too fast? Maybe that is why I am where I am. I used to play by what people thought. I used to abide by everyone's standards, by the way everyone THOUGHT I should be. I was happy. or was it a mask? Maybe I was pretending everything was ok. Maybe I was young and I needed to pretend. I smiled. I joked around... tried not to be TOO serious. My parents told me I was going somewhere big. I was going to be SOMETHING. and now.... Im not so sure of that. I just don't care right now. Ok maybe I care TOOO much..... I mean thinsg are bugging me really bad... and believe me I wish I could fix them... but Im not strong enough. Im weak. Im breaking and I have nothing to show for it. No cause, no great hero story.. no happy ending. I wish you could be in my head... or hear my thoughts..... its crazy... everything is a metaphor to me... I noticed that the other day.... if you have a deep conversation with me... just listen... EVERYTHING IS A METAPHOR what does that mean? This world is too real to me. You know I think about the shit in this world EVERYDAY. How harsh reality is. The funny or not so funny thing is..... Im just realising it..... is that sad? that I had my eyes shut for so long? Bad things happen.... aall the time.. to people that I love.... to friends that deserve better then to be unhappy.... to people who are accused of wrong doing..... to people who are hurting right now... for no reason... this world cannot be helped... doomed... it is soo doomed... we all hate soo much.... we kill... we laugh at people who dont deserve to be laughed at. we are greedy... and some never get the chance to love. Is that fair? Is it fair that love can be broken? Is that really fair? to me? to others? why are we taight to grow up and love/// believe me.. my heart is full... its so god damn full its weighing me down..... but you know what sucks about that... that all the love I have in there..... it is waiting to burst... yet I have no one... I have no one anymore.. to burst that love to.... the other half of my heart is hurt..... yes, hurt..... I hurt for so many people... I hurt because life isnt fair... life gives back in no way... as much as I give... it cant be returned..... it wont be returned.... my heart is soo full that the tears fall because the love and hurt has no where else to go.... Sadness is what takes effect....

The worst part about my life right now.... is my trust is gone... I talk to people... and judge them as bad people because dont know who is good..... My life is so unorganized.... so confusing.... no wonder I am not loved back....... because I am who i am..... because I cant be fake anymore... I cant smile and put teh show on anymore.... its ACTUALLY become hard to pretend.... its ACTUALLY HARD to be me...... when did it all happen?





BEING CAUGHT IN THE MOMENT OF HAPPINESS..... DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN ANYMORE?