desperatly trying to find a place

well, its another night.... where I feel as though I could cry through the pain I am feeling. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I really dont think I have a place in this world. I try and try and try to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. I try and forgive myself for letting Taylor die. I try to let myself know that things will be ok... but they wont. more and more.. I realise that maybe an easy life wasnt made for me. that maybe its time to give up... on myself...
What is actually scary... is that more and more, I find I am becoming numb to the sadness I have in this world. I am sad. I am not ok. I am not cut out for a life that feeds me the horrible truth of humanity. To cry every night IS NOT ok. I just want everyone to be happy.. let them know I love them. i just want to be the one that gives them happiness. That iis all that I ask of this world... of this hopeless life.... is to give something to someone... give hope... happiness or something that is worth telling myself I am needed....

What do I tell myself?

one of those day

its one of those days...

where you feel like you are shot down by all of your friends...
one of those days where my heart is racing too fast...
im confused as to what I am doing...
why I am soo upset...

I guess im confused in general..

about what? i donno
a million things are rushing at me..

do i talk to someone about them... no i do nothing

wondering what ill do tomorrow...
wondering why I cannot understand simple things..
why I have mood swings..
why I cant breathe...
why I cant manage anything...
everything is soo hard... to manage...
everything is fast

yet I am doing nothing at this particular moment.


why I feel alone... why do I make myself alone..

why do I push away..

why is everything managed by money.. by power
why isnt anything going to be how they should be.

why is it I cant think or talk anymore withoout ppl hating me

that is what I am hated