Realising that you cant stop time

Have you ever left a person and wanted to tell them every word that you have for them.... I have... As much as I have the thoughts in my mind, I cannot speak them. The words I have cannot be spoken because of teh fear of making things worse.... the fear of ruining what I think we have... I mean in my mind... I have fallin in love all over again. Thats awesome eh? Not when the fear takes over your heart. Fear of ruining the time I am having with him. I havent laughed or smiled like this in a very long time.... of course a lot has happened this year... but I havent felt this love in years... and I wish... i wish to the brightest star... to the tallest mountain that this love will last.... Im giving my heart one last chance.....

If it gives up... Im done... Its all done... cuz I cant go through anymore hurt in my life...

Im hoping that life throws me ... happiness

beyond my smile

As I look in the mirror. I see this person. She has long hair. brown eyes. a smile. Do I look good today? DO I look pretty? Will I make a difference today.?



probably not.



You know when you see someone walking down the street skipping, laughing, smiling, an adult flying down a childs slide? those are the moments in most of our lives that we cherish, Watching someone who is happy. This gives us hope for our future. It gives us something to look forward to.

When someone says I am pretty, or they say I have a beautiful smile. I just wish I could say...
Do you know what is behind this smile.?
If I were to show you a video of my life right now... it would show a smiling Krysta... standing tall... head held high... in a white room. Id be wearing colourful colours... maybe an orange shirt. My hair down... happy... you see something in her eyes... something sooo mysterious... she is quiet. she doesnt voice her love for teh sky... for teh earth.. her passions.

And then you move closer ... you look at her eyes.... you move closer... and her real life flys before you... you see life through her eyes...... you are now in Krysta's shoes.... the room is black..... your hair is tied back.... you are crying.... you want to scream but your mouth is tied shut.... the anger is building up.... you cant stop crying... you cant stop wondering where everyone went.....your eyes dull... you are tired... you havent slept in days... you dont want to look in the mirror... you dont see you..... you dont see teh person you once were....

you close your eyes... you open them... you are in a hallway.... a million people walking around you .... you are still.... you are still in your life... making nothing of yourself.. these people arent walking into you.... they arent talking to you.. yelling at you... or even glancing at you... tehy really dont care why you are there..... you are in and out of their lives in seconds.... in a moment you are nothing to them..... You mean nothing to them.... you want someone to stop and scream at you... yell at you... you want someone to ask you what the hell you are doing.... but of course they wont... your smile makes them believe you are ok... your bright colours... your upkeep makes them believe you are just as happy as the rest of them.... no one will ever see beyond your eyes..... they will never see into your life of hell.... your life that you dont want to live.... into your darkness......

the good side of everything

I have realised that if you want to be happy you have to see the good side to everything. Whether it be a good day or bad, lets face it.. we all have our negative points... Its sad that we let the little things in life ruin our friendships, our relationships and that is teh worst part of our lives. If we let everything go to our head then we wont have a life left. I might be talking stupid but really just think about it.

There is no point to getting mad at a friend if plans were ruined, or that they ditched you. Be realistic and know that you have done taht once or twice in your life. I mean... just live it day to day. Like today... I might be havingf a really bad day but I know that tomorrow or the next day will make up for it.

I hope that one day I wont be as tense and I can take my own advice.. i mean I know that everyones situation is different.. but try and look at it as .... someone elses life is worse? or someone is dying right now... or someone is sad... that others are feeling liek you are?> one day we will look back on our tears and laugh.... or smile... and know taht our lives are a bit better..

Ciao

I havent fallen off the face of the earth

So I havent been able to have the internet in awhile... as I just moved into my new place and DSL is not offered in my area until October.

Well this last little while has been absolutley great.. except for some things that are running through my head.... like how can people be so unreal. how can no one care about the crap they do... or how bad it is... how can they not feel like bad people. I guess most people dont have a guilt or a heart like I do? they make up lies or excuses to justify the unhuman things they do?
I guess I just realised that live is full of unfair acts... To be honest it seems that fair, decent human beings take on the guilt of what others have done,,, and the bad part is... the people who have no guilt.... they dont care... they give it away. I mean I guess I dont understand why i worry so much about the people around me... strangers... people I have never met... I give them excuses... others shove off teh homeless... others couldnt care about what happens next door, nevermind that their are floods/fires/people dying of AIDS,Cancer,Suicide, murder etc. I care soo much... I mean I wish I were out volunteering for these causes... and yet my parents would hate me for putting myself at risk of being hurt or killed. I love soo much... i love everyone.. I may be angry with ppl... but II know that every human being has a good side... and I guess that is the reason I hurt so bad.. because I am not given what i give.. I remember in grade three or soo ... being told... treat others as you would like to be treated... and maybe that is why I dont feel the love.... I give too much and dont take care of myself... and this is why I fall apart way to often... And I know that some may think that I have done unfair things to them... but there is a difference.... when I hurt or do something to someone... it is totally unknown... I dont mean those things...
I started a few things for the benifit of my life... they are small and many will think I am stupid..... but little things.... being a Canadian... i am used to people responding in a very poilte way... I mean its not the same when i go anywhere else... people look at me weird when I compliment them ... or I tell them they are pretty... when I am doing what I do,,,,
Last week,,,, I realised that people dont sa hi to each other or smile enough...... so... since then.... I have said hi to anyone who has walked past me....flashing a smile... I have only gotten a positive response... except once... an old man started hitting on me... YUKK...lol.. no I dont like the old fellas.....

But liek im trying to see the positive parts of my life... and the negative seems to take over.. Im fighting it soo bad.... Im fighting everything that has happened... im fighting my heart.. my wants.... thinking anything with Ty means nothing...see taht helps.... when anything happens... I blow it off... thinking it was nothing... of course every moment with him is precious to me... but it helps when I think I mean nothing to him.... that way I dont hurt....
I try to numb myself from shit that happens... and I need to deal with it.... and I am trying.... I just get frustrated with friends.... with family.... with a life that is rushing in...

A life that is coming at me full throttle.... and not knowing what will hit me next scccaaares me... to death.... I wish taht I felt calm.. and not soo overwhelmed... I always feel anxiety.. always.... its like my heart is pumping so fast.. like I am going to screamm... all the time.... its reaslly hard to explain....

I have to go for now.. ill be back though...

Peace, love and chicken grease...lol