I will remember you

Three Months in one hour from now, you took your life, leaving us all to bare the hurt and face the world alone. I wish I had you here to talk to about my problems... you listened to my heart. I cant believe we grew up so fast. I remember the first day of school we sat near each other in the circle. I look back to that day... that first day where we were all scared but were all laughing and smiling.. a little shy at first but then we all turned into great friends. who ever could have thought one day I would be sitting here... tears flowing ... wondering where the smiles went. Im not just talking about you... Im talking about us all. When did we stop looking to and for the best. The first thing I remember about you is your smile and your eyes. as we grew up I learned more and more that those eyes were full of honesty and heart. I looked into your eyes and tehy filled my soul with beauty and love. I always say that the people that touch my life appear within my eyes. I think that is why I am always told I have depth within my eyes, within my soul, I take in the people surrounding me.Yes, this is why your death has hurt me so. Everyday I look for a sign taht you are with me. keeping me strong. and everyday I hope that you can see that I love you. I try and smile a little more... just so that you know I am happy.. every colourful leaf that falls...every breathe of freash air is you. Everything great is you.. I soo afraid.... that I will die one day and not have someone to care for me....as I care for you.... I am afraid of the world around me... I am afraid to live.... as living is moving on....

help me.
how do I do this?
how do I live this life?

Beautiful days, cold nights

Its near the end of October..
Leaves falling, days becoming colder and nights even colder. This is one of my favourite times of the year. getting ready for the snow. When I walk down the streets, I find myself stopping and taking a second look. As I stood in a park this morning.. I watched as the leaves fell off the trees.... beautiful trees all around me.... leaves of red, yellow, and orange. I was dressed in a sweater and a scarf and touque as it was not as cold today.... but still cold enough to feel the shiver down your spine. It was great you know.... sitting and watching ppl as they played in the park... couples laughing and play fighting... kids tugging at their parents pant legs... and an older couple... holding each other because of the cold... smiles on their faces. as I walk through park I find myself stopping to smell the air..... that fresh fall smell... you know that winter is coming.. the first snowfall will be coming anyday now.... my favourite day of the year... when the snow is light... the first snowfall is usually in the night and you can see the little snowflakes... I always run out just to sit outside for an hour... just to have that feeling... its like a new beginning... its like the snow is here to wipe out all of the horrible things that happen in our lives... the first snowfall is my ending and beginning.. I let everything go... and wait for spring.... spring iis a total refreshment... flowers growing again.... teh buds on the trees growing again.... and every person is relifted from their depression.

I think in our world we take forgranted our lives and the very people and world in front of us... I hear ppl saying they . hate the cold... that teh wish that lived somewhere warm.. well what I have to say to that... is why can we not be happy with what we have.... why cant we be happy with the beautiful trees... beautiful snow.. beautiful flowers and amazing ppl we do have. We should be thankful that we are alive and our family is healthy.... we should be happy that we have something to live for.. because others in this world are dying... they are sad... they are in a world where they have nothing.. and we are... being ignorant.. complaining that we dont have enough.... we have everything at our finger tips... we just need to work for the things we desperatly want or even better...NEED...

I wish that I could give something more.. you know... I wish I could give my heart away.. or show everyone in this world it can work.... I wish I was somewhere living who I truely am... I need to give more... I wish that this world was calm... I wish that ppl had more compassion... I wish that ppl could see a life as I do... the things in life we have to live for.....

I guess I wish that I could see things like this everyday... unfortunatly it is not always easy to see things in a positive way..

ADUMMM

You know lately... I have seen more in a friend then ever before. I judge people to quickly... and I dont give a person more of a chance. I mean at first I thought things about adam... that he did things I didnt aprove of. But more and more he shows me why I strive for so much. I mean I told him that I dont liek being so young and so serious and he tells me this is a good thing. And you know what... I look at things differently then most.... and when I think of Adam... and the things that are happening with him... I wish I could fix them... because he always fixes them for me.

MOst of my friends treat me wrong... most of my friends make me feel as though this life is nothing.... but more and more... I feel as though I am just not confiing in the few GOOD friends I do have... im always trying to be the favourite when I should just be me...

and I have realised that I have four good friends... and that is pretty much it.... and I am ok with that... Im ok to finally confide in the fully and show them who i really am.....

Thanks Adam for being an awesome friend

Withdrawl of you

The things I think.. The things I say... the everyday routines are from my heart and now in my life I am rethinking of what is important. Having friends, who aren't "real" friends tell me how I should live my life. What ive learned in my life.. is that your friends and family are the most important thing in our lifes..... BUT... I have always left one thing out... ME..... yourself... I think I try and make everyone else happy... so when I get time to myself... to make myself happy.... I end up unhapppy because I have no respect for myself.

Last night... something happened last night... and I missed Taylor more in my life then ever before.... I miss him... I cryed soo hard... you know when you cry and cant stop.... I miss him soo much...Im trying to live my life to every extent... Im trying to laugh... Im trying to do teh things I never thought Id ever do... and everytime I laugh or spent time with my family.. I think of him... thinking about what his parents are doing.. and what they are thinking..... Taylor.. do I ever hate you.. I miss you more then then words could say... my heart aches everyday for you... wishing I could be just like you.. and what scares me the most .. Is part of me is JUST like you... and I am afraid that I will leave everyone behind.. some days are unbearable.

There is one person on thsi earth ... Tyler....my ex boyfriend.... I love him more then anything or everything I have.. including myself.... he is my glory... he is my hope in this world. If everyone were like him.. we would have a perfect world..... he makes me feel like I am SOMETHING...... and now I am worried... because I dont want to be hurt again....

nothing hurts more then a broken heart... my heart is like a glass.... once you drop it... you can pick up the big pieces... but it is hard to ever get your heart to be the same again.. I love Tyler like I love the sky, the fall leaves, I love Tyler like I love the sound of the ocean.... I love him more then I love anything.... and now.. I am going to lose everything.. or so i fear....

A million things running through my mind and its hard to get it down... I mean... my life... is becoming too much.... sooo much going on... that I cannot even think of what to write..... I wish life was easy... or easier to get bye.

Sad song

Sing a sad song
In a lonely place
Try to put a word in for me
It’s been so long
Since I found this place
You better put in two or three
We as people, are just walking ’round
Our heads are firmly fixed in the ground
What we don’t see
Well it can’t be real
What we don’t touch we cannot feel

Where we’re living in this town
The sun is coming up and it’s going down
But it’s all just the same at the end of the day
And we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it’s wrong
So we don’t ask why
Cause it’s all just the same at the end of the day
We’re throwing it all away
We’re throwing it all away
We’re throwing it all away at the end of the day

If you need it
Something I can give
I know I’d help you if I can
If your honest and you say that you did
You know that I would give you my hand
Or a sad song
In a lonely place
I’ll try to put a word in for you
Need a shoulder? well if that’s the case
You know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

Where we’re living in this town
The sun is coming up and it’s going down
But it’s all just the same at the end of the day
When we cheat and we lie
Nobody says it’s wrong
So we don’t ask why
Cause it’s all just the same at the end of the day

Don’t throw it all away
Don’t throw it all away
Don’t throw it all away
Don’t throw it all away
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away

Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
You’re throwing it all away at the end of the day

Coming from a loving place

soo today was raining ... raining sooo hard... I get out of work at 7 and of course its pitch dark outside... soo it took me 1:30 to get home... but on the way I had to transfer buses... so I got out of the bus and it started pouring rain.... It was sooo cold it was like 7 C outside... soo I was sooo drentched.. and Taylors song came on.. Lean on me by Al Green... That song came on on the way to his funeral... anyways it came on.. and I smiled.. because I was dreading the fact that I was out in the rain... and when that song came on.. i thought of taylor... and I smiled cuz not everyday to i stand out in the rain .... soo i sang.. NO ONE could hear me.... I had an awesome night

krysta

Thanksgiving

This weekend coming up is Thankgiving weekend.... Yes I am Canadian. I am trying to think of what I will say at dinner on Monday night..... What do I give thanks for?


This year// i give thanks that my family is healthy and happy... I give thanks to have a family that treats me well and helps me through hard times.... I give thanks to the strangers that became my friends this year.... the strangers that helped me through some very difficult times... it was very nice to lean on someone.. I give thanks to taylor especially... It was a pleaser to have known him.... it was a pelaser to have him show me what life was all about.... I give thanks for the additional family members taht have been added just this year and I pray they remain healthy... I give thanks for life.. for hurt and laughter.. because without these I would not be who i am... and I am thankful that I have experienced these hard times.

DO you ever feel like asking of everything

Although our friends part from us throughout the years, we must never feel as though they are not present. You, have been a big part of my life, whether it shows or not. I hope that whatever happens in our lives that you never forget the times we used to have. I think about you... about how much I miss teh smiles... teh high school smiles... oh God do I ever miss how things were. I miss teh innocence of everyday... I miss the depth within our eyes... I miss the everyday hugs and the every hour laughs. I miss the every minute crazyness... I miss every second of a life we all used to have as friends... and yet no matter how many nights I go out in London.... no matter how many friends I have here.... no matter how many bonds I make here... I find myself looking back at the bonds that are breaking... and how I do nothing to change them....


Do you ever sit and want to ask everyone of everything? kind of like you are sitting here.. a selfish person? Do you ever want to take your world back and and return it for the one you originally had? I do... Sometimes its not a question of life and death its about wanting more in life...... its about if a person is selfish enough to want ... to want to grab life soo bad..... about trying to grasp the wind that blows everything every which way.... it about WANTING a life.... its not as easy as it sounds.... trying to stop something that isnt there... pr even trying to make something happen of something that you think there but isnt.... it will be ok.. I am sure of it.... it will be ok for everyone soon..... we will all be happy.. in a happy world... looking back on our tears and laughing.... looking beyond teh sunset and knowing life will someday make sense for someone..... maybe not me.... but one of these days I will be at peace... It will be ok.... I have full faith in this.... because I knwo I can make it better....

Its something that we all have to deal with

What sucks about this world is you have liers, cheaters and people that make your life a living hell. I am really trying to be positive about what happens... and yeah I have been doing pretty good I guess. But now I ask myself... am I lying to myself by letting things happen in front of me.... and I seriously do nothing about it.. I just let people run me over and show me that I am nothing. I believe I have all potential to make someone happy... I have all potential to be the best I can be... and I guess sometimes I have to deal with what has been dealt.

Im sick of my friends cheating on the b/f...g/fs this is rediculous... I mean if you love someone... you just dont do that... and I guess... well I dont know what to do about it.... sit back and look in from the outside? I want ppl to be honest... straight up.. things in life would be a lot more simple if ppl were straight up... isnt that how we are suppose to gain happiness?.... by living llife simply? that is what someone once told me... that if we dont complicate our lives then in the end you have a happy life....

Im sick of playing "the game" Im sick of fighting back in rediculous ways against other friends.... or ppl that call themselves my friends.... I mean its ALL a game... I mean love.... its a game... because you never know when it is real... when it is fake... or if someone is looking into your heart instead of looking past you.... It is a drama.... my life is a drama... welll not MY life but everyone elses life is MY drama... I get pulled in and I get pushed down cuz I dont knwo how to fight back in this world.... I just dont want to fight back anymore... I dont want to PRETEND anymore.... I dont want THIS anymore...

Its hard to say if I will ever find my place