When will it hit home

Fear. Not being able to understand. Death.

I cannot handle Taylor being gone right now. I am going to the cottage this weekend. When I get back, I am going to his grave. This means its time for me to say good bye. I said I would do it. I have to. The dreams dont stop. I cannot sleep because of teh fear of seeing him in my dreams.

I wrote down... what I am going to say ... what I have to say....

here it is

Taylor, sweetheart, you were a time in my life where I can truely say taht I was happy. The times we spent together. All the advice you gave me. The life you have given me. I mean i grew up with you. I look back every night to the days where we would meet half way from our houses on our bikes. The nights we had sleepovers.... my best friend. I find myself lying in bed thinking about you, every night I think of you. I cry for you. I cry for the hurt you endured.. the unfair things in life. I cry because I know how you felt. It hurts... bad.. I would rather endure any physical pain, then the pain felt from a heart...
As my life moves on. I find myself stuck in the past. thinking of you. I find it hurtful taht you didnt know how much we loved you. I am hurt that you would leave me here alone. to endure what you have, alone. I talk to you everynight... I ask the same questions... why...? why would you tell me life is precious and then kill yourself? Why would you tell me you would be ok,, if you knew I would feel hurt by you saying that? WHy are you not here helping me...? or letting me help you?
You know I hate myself.. I do the Waht ifs everyday.. What if I told you I loved you more.... what if I saw you the day you died... what if you could be happy with me? ... My heart has endured quite a bit.... and you have hurt me soo bad ... I cry... I cry FOR YOU DAMMIT..... and you felt there was no reason to live? WTF, like why shoud I cry for you? if it doesnt matter anyway/?.. I need you... I need you soo bad... You know I said I would never forgive you.... I hope you understand that... but I guess i am afraid to forgive you Taylor. Because I am afraid if I forgive you... that Ill let go.. and that the memories will fade,,,, i dont wnat you to fade,,,, I have to forgive you though.... so that you can be at peace.. I am bringing you a friendship necklace... you knwo.. like the ones we used to have when we were little... one half of a heart on two necklaces... I am giving you one... and I am going to wear one... so that half of my heart can be with you always.... so that if a day goes by that I dont think of you.... you will have half of my heart to cherish. It is very hard for me to be here... to sit at your grave and soak in what has happpened. but... I will be here.. I will come at christmas... on your b-day.... and on july 31st of every year..... because you deserve that.... for all the love you have shown me... I will give back to this world.... I am going to see amanda and kyles grave today too..... I was afraid to go there too.... but they deserve to hear me again...
I hope they are with you... I hope they guide you.... three of my best friends..... together again... I love you sweetheart... I will never foregt you.... I promise you.. I will never forget your smile...your laugh.... your gift to my heart...
Good bye

MY NEW HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I DO know

I know that our lives can be hard. or unexplained. There are things that I am learning, day by day. my outlook on life seems to be getting better and better. To the person who goes through what I did... unhappiness.....

When I was little I was happy. I had the the perfect life. I had friends that were always there. I was ME and I was happy being ME. There are things that happened when I grew up that i didnt think effected me... but they did. My mom being away from home... my dad being away from home. There were people and things in my life that blocked that out. When I hit high school... I was getting attention that I never thought Id ever get... I look back now and I can see that I started distancing myself from people, in high school. Its crazy to look back and think... OMG I had soo many best friends.... and the weirdest part about that.. is that I didnt realise this until last week. I graduated high school... with a boyfriend... he was teh only person I let into my heart.. the only pperson who got all of me and loved me. In college, we broke up... and it hurt bad... because he didnt love me anymore. ALl of teh friends I had ditched werent there anymore.. do I blame them? no... Its hard you know.... because it was this year when I realised I have to find out who Krysta is... who I truely am inside... I was not only fake to others but to myself and I believed it. Because I realised what my life was.. I started feeling low.. the one person I confided in.. wasnt there... and yet I was still pushing away people. I felt a burden on people.. that my life was worthless.. and yet I still played the smile... I still played my parents and my friends... I had a breaking point... where I woke up about a month ago... and cried... (I started crying about a year ago... unexplainably.... no one knew.. but i had no idea why I cried... my low moments... were VERY low. ) I guess this day when I woke up crying.... I would call it the lowest day of my life. I cried soo hard... my ex boyfriend had said I was screwed up a couple of days prior. I believed it.. because I knew something was wrong.... really wrong... So here I was crying very hard... I got up out of bed and dropped to teh floor,,, I decided not to go to school... I sat down... and contemplated what my life was worth. If I wanted to live.... I cried harder... its unexplainable the pain I was in... some people dont care... some people would say I am stupid.... but if you have been there.. tehn you know how low I was. I grabbed a knife... and sat down..... I put it next to me... I had the phone on one side of me.. and the knife on teh other.... I thought of my options.. who I could call... and what would they say....I could call Tyler... but he hates me... I could call other ppl... but they think of me as happy... they wouldnt love ME. I looked on my desk... and there were two pictures taht caught my eye..... the first... a picture of Tyler and I at Prom. Smiling and him holding me... He cares about me... I looked next to it ... a picture of my family.... smiling.... tehy love me...
At that very moment I knew I wwasnt ok... I knew that that I needed to tell someone.... so I did... I todl my friend that I wasnt ok... that I needed help and that I needed her help.. she told me I didnt help.. that I was fine.. and it worked for maybe a week. I knew I had to talk to someone who was going through what I was. and I did... Taylor Wyse. Thursday, July 28th,2005. This was the day when Taylor Wyse changed my life... I wont tell what was said... but it is a new outlook on life.. this was teh beginning... I went home the next morning... to Guelph.. had a great weekend... until about 9:30 on Sunday July 31st, 2005... this was teh day Taylor Wyse decided he couldn't live. He hung himself off of a bridge. As the tears stream down my face, I tell you, this young man is the reason I chose to live. There is Anger. There is Guilt. There is Sadnes and there is the unexplained.
When I was told that Taylor died, I was in shock... I thought that maybe someone would call me and say this is a prank. I went and saw his mom... that week I saw many friends... old friends.. I talked to friends that I hadnt talked to since elementary school. It was all pretty much a blur..... I went to the visitation and broke down with anger... bawling my eyes out because his family recognized me as a good friend..... I cried hard. I was teh last person to leave... I had about 3 minutes with Taylor... his body, cold. his face, still. it was surreal.. I yelled at him. Asking why... asking every question I knew wouldnt be answered. Every question taht I tried to answer..... i felt betrayed... but it still didnt settle in. I decided to do a reading at his funeral. I can NEVER explain the guts it took. EVER.. to get up there. I was up at the front... and I looked down and saw Taylor's Family His mom... His sisters.... and then his dad... I had never seen his dad cry.... as his dad looked up at me... he started bawling his eyes out... confused.. I looked next to him to find taylor standing there.... but he wasnt... It hit right there.. he wasnt coming back.. I couldnt speak..... because my mind was racing... I wanted to drop and cry... but I didnt.. I spoke slowly.... and calm... and finished the reading... and I got down.. and cried hard hugged his family and hoped that Taylor heard my voice... It was at that very second that I realised that I am going to live my life.... Im going play hard and live hard.... It was like... when Taylor died he took my pain.... I am completly happy except for my longing for him. my heart is forever thankful for him. Today... three weeks from teh day he died...... I sit here.. and tell you.. that I am showing you me.... openly..... I have a huge heart to offer.... I have laughter to give... I my helping hands to change our world... to rid pain.... and I want to make sure that everyone knows taylors secret to life......

It just keeps coming

Sleepless nights. Worrying about everything. as a whole. I donno.... maybe this is just not my year...... maybe I am just not supppose to succeed. Today I couldnt stop thinking about Taylor..... It crazy you know.. i find myself going to his web page at least 4 times a day....... my marks are decreasing.... I mean Im doing OK..... but not EXCELLENT...... last night I couldnt sleep... because my nieghbours house got broken into.... and freaky guys are around my house.....

It isnt perfect

Our lives change day to day and we don't seem to understand. We don't understand why we are so unsure or why people have changed so much. When I talked to a good friend last night I realised some things. As we talked and walked we talked about Tyler's anger towards friends who seemed to be untrue to him. We talked about what has gone missing from his life. You see he always thought he had everything figured out. He thought he knew exactly who he was. I made a point that he is at the same point as all of us, trying to figure out who we are and what we want from life. I guess what i dont understand is what is missing. There is a part of him that is missing. That part where everything makes sense. Well, its not making sense. I know him inside and out... or so I thought.

I mean I cannot explain what is happening right now... all i know is it feels great with him....... like we connect again. We were laying on his bed the other night...... just cuddling....... I was playing with his hair...... we fell asleep..... sooo much comfort. It just felt soo goood... I mean apart oof me is being stupid again..... but what I have learned... is he may find another girl and I am clear on that. that is ok... i understand. Of course it hurts, but that is only because he is my first love. I mean i could find another guy who intreges me. But what I have learned... is to take the moments... and I will. i will take teh moments with him... because I feel good during those moments. I feel great during those moments. I feel like ME during those moments.

I told him. That things happen naturally. Nothing should be pushed...but of course an effort soon turns into happiness. Once an effort is happiness...... Our lives make sense of themsleves.

So our relationship might not be perfect.... being confused as to what our friendship means.... but nothing is perfect... and i am willing to settle on that.

Krysta

Thank you Taylor

If you know me, then you know that this last year has been one of the hardest years of my life. I couldnt understand why i was so down all of the time or why I was so negative. I wish i could say that I have always been happy and always will but we all have ups and downs of our lives. Taylor opened my eyes to a world where everything is moving so fast.... but our hearts have to keep us stable. Afetr Taylors Funeral I realised a few things.... I realised that I need to show my love to the people I love most... that a job or school is NOT more important then my well being or my friends or family's well being. If you are in the same place as I am.. then you are trying to figure out who you are. In my opinion... I think thatwe have personalities taht are always there... I mean we have them when we are little... and then throughout highschool you are intreged with another life taht you lose apart of you.... I mean for me.... this year I looked in the mirror... and had no idea who i was looking at... that isnt me. and I guess teh part i lost came back when taylor left. I realised that we have so much hate... HATE FOR NOTHING.... I mean I was angry at ppl.... and realised that I wasnt angry I was hurt and that I still loved those ppl. There is a quote "Anger is an extension of sadness, It is easier to be angry then to tell someone you are hurt." this is completely true... when Taylor died... I appologised to those people because it isnt worth it. What if tehy were to die tomorrow.,... I woudl hate myself. I realised that I still have a lot of friends. They are still there... we just lost touch. it wasnt their fault or mine... it happens in life.. and a little bit at a time we lose a piece of us... of our lives... this is why we turn out to be so unhappy and alone. I realised taht I was so afraid to confide in my friends that I thought I was alone. I pushed everyone out. i realised last week.... that it is ok to cry.... it iis ok to let people know you care. It is ok to ask for a hug or even aska friend to spend time with you... it isnt an inconvenience, its friendship. I mean i was so lost in teh innocence of yesterday that I didnt realise that I still have my whole life ahead of me. I realised that I AM a good person.. that I have touched peoples lives... and that I DID and DO mean something to people.. All I ask for my future and yours... IS TO LIVE LIFE..... it is so true ... ours lives are short..... as teh years go on... we will lose more and more friends and family to death. One day it will be you or I... our day to die. the only way we will make it is if we let our love blossom. I know I will never let go of taylor.... he is a friend for life... he always was..... but now... we need to let teh other people that mean something, KNOW that they mean something... So that when our day comes.. people will be able to remember us as friend for life..... or when friends or family die.. they will know that they were loved..... This is crucial..... to be able to move on through life

Sunday night

I LOVED YOU TAYLOR

I feel betrayed.. because one of my greatest friends.... I will never see again...... I miss you sooo much... I wish I didnt have guilt... I feel like I could have done something for you.... why did you leave us wihout saying goodbye... why? why would you do this to us... to me..... I am soo unbelievably mad at you... i wish I could forgive you... I cant let go... I am hanging on soo tight.... I cant let you go.... your beautiful smile..... your beautiful heart....


I loved you.. soo much..... I always felt apart oof your family... apart of your life... and now that you are gone.. I dont know what to do.... because a piece of me has been torn away without notice.... without letting me know.... So waht do i do now... how do I move on..... how do I move thorugh this week.. nevermind this year or my life without you...

I didnt tell you how much you meant to me... how beautiful you were..... how much your life impacted me.... how much I could have given you..... tell you how much I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!

Life will never be the same

What do I say to her

What do I say when Taylors mom looks in my eyes and asks why..

What will I do when I say goodbye to his beautiful face as they close the casket...
Will I smile when they talk of his memories..... or will I fall to the floor?
Will I grab someone and cry.. will I hate him for leaving me.... Will I look beyond this and love him for him... or will I cry until I cant breathe anymore?
Will I speak with passion of his life.... or will I cry because his life has ended.?

These questions are flowing through my mind as I wait for the funeral...
I miss Taylor... with all of my heart,,,, why is our world so complicated.. why am I hurting so bad,,,, why couldnt he have come to me.... a million ppl walking and talking past me... one thing on my mind..... I cant forget you..

bye..

I wish things turned out differently

Yesterday I found out that a good friend took his life. I am completely in shock and dont know what to do.
I talked to him last week.. He promised it would be ok.. he promised me we would be fine.... HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO US.... WE FUCKING LOVED HIM>> FUCKK

Ill be writing in a couple of days... I have a funeral and a wake to go... after that........... on friday... ill write more..

Krysta