I havent fallen off the face of the earth

So I havent been able to have the internet in awhile... as I just moved into my new place and DSL is not offered in my area until October.

Well this last little while has been absolutley great.. except for some things that are running through my head.... like how can people be so unreal. how can no one care about the crap they do... or how bad it is... how can they not feel like bad people. I guess most people dont have a guilt or a heart like I do? they make up lies or excuses to justify the unhuman things they do?
I guess I just realised that live is full of unfair acts... To be honest it seems that fair, decent human beings take on the guilt of what others have done,,, and the bad part is... the people who have no guilt.... they dont care... they give it away. I mean I guess I dont understand why i worry so much about the people around me... strangers... people I have never met... I give them excuses... others shove off teh homeless... others couldnt care about what happens next door, nevermind that their are floods/fires/people dying of AIDS,Cancer,Suicide, murder etc. I care soo much... I mean I wish I were out volunteering for these causes... and yet my parents would hate me for putting myself at risk of being hurt or killed. I love soo much... i love everyone.. I may be angry with ppl... but II know that every human being has a good side... and I guess that is the reason I hurt so bad.. because I am not given what i give.. I remember in grade three or soo ... being told... treat others as you would like to be treated... and maybe that is why I dont feel the love.... I give too much and dont take care of myself... and this is why I fall apart way to often... And I know that some may think that I have done unfair things to them... but there is a difference.... when I hurt or do something to someone... it is totally unknown... I dont mean those things...
I started a few things for the benifit of my life... they are small and many will think I am stupid..... but little things.... being a Canadian... i am used to people responding in a very poilte way... I mean its not the same when i go anywhere else... people look at me weird when I compliment them ... or I tell them they are pretty... when I am doing what I do,,,,
Last week,,,, I realised that people dont sa hi to each other or smile enough...... so... since then.... I have said hi to anyone who has walked past me....flashing a smile... I have only gotten a positive response... except once... an old man started hitting on me... YUKK...lol.. no I dont like the old fellas.....

But liek im trying to see the positive parts of my life... and the negative seems to take over.. Im fighting it soo bad.... Im fighting everything that has happened... im fighting my heart.. my wants.... thinking anything with Ty means nothing...see taht helps.... when anything happens... I blow it off... thinking it was nothing... of course every moment with him is precious to me... but it helps when I think I mean nothing to him.... that way I dont hurt....
I try to numb myself from shit that happens... and I need to deal with it.... and I am trying.... I just get frustrated with friends.... with family.... with a life that is rushing in...

A life that is coming at me full throttle.... and not knowing what will hit me next scccaaares me... to death.... I wish taht I felt calm.. and not soo overwhelmed... I always feel anxiety.. always.... its like my heart is pumping so fast.. like I am going to screamm... all the time.... its reaslly hard to explain....

I have to go for now.. ill be back though...

Peace, love and chicken grease...lol