A new Life

When I sit here on nights like this... I go through ups and downs of my life... all of the time....

I sit here on this beautiful night and I stare out this big window. I look up at the stars. I gaze and wonder. Seems like a whole big universe out there. Seems like you could never reach up and touch those beautiful stars. When I look up at the stars..... I think of my dad and how when I was young, that is what we did every summer. Sat and stared at the stars... the satellites.. this big beautiful sky. I smile becauuse its great memories that I remember. Its once taht smile comes that my whole night turns bad. Thinking of the past is my problem. I think of this wonderful life.. My mom. My dad. My family. Smiling. And yet here I am frowning. I think of all the things taht happened in my life in the last few years. Its soo unreal. Soo not true. I look at myself and I think of this happy girl. This very happy, beautiful life that she is suppose to be having. And yet still... I cannot pull her out.

Thinking of momments. Memories. Happiness. I cannot help but think of the people I shared these momments with. And the only people I see as real is a few good friends and my whole family. So after that I think of the "true" people, I think of the other people I confided(sp?) in. People that I loved .... Tyler.. moments that I will never get back. memories that have been taken... memories and moments are supppose to be happy... and yet everytime I think of them I cry. 3 plus years of my life..... and I dont even want to talk about them.... It hurts everytime I think of highschool... everytime I think of happiness and everytime he hurt me this year. It hurts to believe that we will never be friends again. That all my heart went to a person who took it and never gave it back. Why is it that love is unfair? Why is it that I have so much passion for a world that is hurting me so bad. I want more then anything to believe my life will be full of happiness. to believe someone will treat me right. I want more then anything to get my years and my memories and my heart back.

This big universe and yet it so quiet... and yet I am trapped in a house, city, in a province, in a country. Look down at me... I am alone. Striving to do so much... Striviing to be someone.

A new life is what I am living. Understanding my family and confiding in THEM. What most people dont realize is that when you are in love you give everything to taht person. everything you have. When everything it is taken away, you have nothing. You are empty and everything you did with that person..every movie you watched... your favourite restaurant.... your perfect pictures and every building you passed by with them, become a representation of hurt. Not wanting to go anywhere... but pushing yourself.... not wanting to care.... but crying. So you never watch those movies again... you avoid those places... and you rip every picture and sit and cry... because now...what are you suppose to do... start over... so here I am starting over... starting a new life... and its hard... because I dont want to move on... I want to be happy with him again.. and yet he has done soo much to me... hurt me soo bad.... I miss hugs and kisses... and cuddling.. and laughing.... I miss laying in bed and talking for hours.... I miss those moments where we would look at each other and smile... I miss feeling part of something... feeling like I belong...somewhere..

I hurt because he doesn't care. Do you know what that feels like? Its like feeling like you want to die. Here I am beating myself up about my life.. and he is happy. And he doesn't care. It's very hard. Its unbearable... and heart breaking....

So while here I am starting over, I think about dating again. Why would I? Because I want to feel something again. BUT I am also scared as hell.. because this person could show my love and a world that is great and honest. And then one day when I am happy... he will take everything I built up to give him.. Was it just Tyler? or is there anyone true out there? So I am alone.... and scared to move on... So what makes it better? What make my heart fill up with joy? What makes me trust again... LOVE IS GREAT AND WONDERFUL... BUT IT KILLS YOU INSIDE