What I DO know

I know that our lives can be hard. or unexplained. There are things that I am learning, day by day. my outlook on life seems to be getting better and better. To the person who goes through what I did... unhappiness.....

When I was little I was happy. I had the the perfect life. I had friends that were always there. I was ME and I was happy being ME. There are things that happened when I grew up that i didnt think effected me... but they did. My mom being away from home... my dad being away from home. There were people and things in my life that blocked that out. When I hit high school... I was getting attention that I never thought Id ever get... I look back now and I can see that I started distancing myself from people, in high school. Its crazy to look back and think... OMG I had soo many best friends.... and the weirdest part about that.. is that I didnt realise this until last week. I graduated high school... with a boyfriend... he was teh only person I let into my heart.. the only pperson who got all of me and loved me. In college, we broke up... and it hurt bad... because he didnt love me anymore. ALl of teh friends I had ditched werent there anymore.. do I blame them? no... Its hard you know.... because it was this year when I realised I have to find out who Krysta is... who I truely am inside... I was not only fake to others but to myself and I believed it. Because I realised what my life was.. I started feeling low.. the one person I confided in.. wasnt there... and yet I was still pushing away people. I felt a burden on people.. that my life was worthless.. and yet I still played the smile... I still played my parents and my friends... I had a breaking point... where I woke up about a month ago... and cried... (I started crying about a year ago... unexplainably.... no one knew.. but i had no idea why I cried... my low moments... were VERY low. ) I guess this day when I woke up crying.... I would call it the lowest day of my life. I cried soo hard... my ex boyfriend had said I was screwed up a couple of days prior. I believed it.. because I knew something was wrong.... really wrong... So here I was crying very hard... I got up out of bed and dropped to teh floor,,, I decided not to go to school... I sat down... and contemplated what my life was worth. If I wanted to live.... I cried harder... its unexplainable the pain I was in... some people dont care... some people would say I am stupid.... but if you have been there.. tehn you know how low I was. I grabbed a knife... and sat down..... I put it next to me... I had the phone on one side of me.. and the knife on teh other.... I thought of my options.. who I could call... and what would they say....I could call Tyler... but he hates me... I could call other ppl... but they think of me as happy... they wouldnt love ME. I looked on my desk... and there were two pictures taht caught my eye..... the first... a picture of Tyler and I at Prom. Smiling and him holding me... He cares about me... I looked next to it ... a picture of my family.... smiling.... tehy love me...
At that very moment I knew I wwasnt ok... I knew that that I needed to tell someone.... so I did... I todl my friend that I wasnt ok... that I needed help and that I needed her help.. she told me I didnt help.. that I was fine.. and it worked for maybe a week. I knew I had to talk to someone who was going through what I was. and I did... Taylor Wyse. Thursday, July 28th,2005. This was the day when Taylor Wyse changed my life... I wont tell what was said... but it is a new outlook on life.. this was teh beginning... I went home the next morning... to Guelph.. had a great weekend... until about 9:30 on Sunday July 31st, 2005... this was teh day Taylor Wyse decided he couldn't live. He hung himself off of a bridge. As the tears stream down my face, I tell you, this young man is the reason I chose to live. There is Anger. There is Guilt. There is Sadnes and there is the unexplained.
When I was told that Taylor died, I was in shock... I thought that maybe someone would call me and say this is a prank. I went and saw his mom... that week I saw many friends... old friends.. I talked to friends that I hadnt talked to since elementary school. It was all pretty much a blur..... I went to the visitation and broke down with anger... bawling my eyes out because his family recognized me as a good friend..... I cried hard. I was teh last person to leave... I had about 3 minutes with Taylor... his body, cold. his face, still. it was surreal.. I yelled at him. Asking why... asking every question I knew wouldnt be answered. Every question taht I tried to answer..... i felt betrayed... but it still didnt settle in. I decided to do a reading at his funeral. I can NEVER explain the guts it took. EVER.. to get up there. I was up at the front... and I looked down and saw Taylor's Family His mom... His sisters.... and then his dad... I had never seen his dad cry.... as his dad looked up at me... he started bawling his eyes out... confused.. I looked next to him to find taylor standing there.... but he wasnt... It hit right there.. he wasnt coming back.. I couldnt speak..... because my mind was racing... I wanted to drop and cry... but I didnt.. I spoke slowly.... and calm... and finished the reading... and I got down.. and cried hard hugged his family and hoped that Taylor heard my voice... It was at that very second that I realised that I am going to live my life.... Im going play hard and live hard.... It was like... when Taylor died he took my pain.... I am completly happy except for my longing for him. my heart is forever thankful for him. Today... three weeks from teh day he died...... I sit here.. and tell you.. that I am showing you me.... openly..... I have a huge heart to offer.... I have laughter to give... I my helping hands to change our world... to rid pain.... and I want to make sure that everyone knows taylors secret to life......